Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008
Copyright
© 1998-2008
The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316
The CRYES Pantheon is an ever-changing landscape. New Deities of specific or indeterminate gender can be added or subtracted at any time. CRYES members may choose any or all of the available Gods/Goddesses or add new ones of their own.
Anyone with extreme monotheistic needs can reduce the pantheon to a single Goddess/God of Special Relevance. This, of course, eliminates the need for distinguishing adjectives and allows the member to comfortably refer to her or his choice simply as "God" or "Goddess."
CURRENT GODS/GODDESSES
Housekeeping Goddess -- Inhibits surprise visits from friends and relatives at times when your home is somewhat less than presentable; shields carpeting from spills causing permanent stains; trains offspring to clean up after themselves as they go; permanently suspends dust particles in the air, forever eliminating the need to remove dust from furniture and video screens;
Political God -- Attempts to create the illusion, thus far without significant success, that only individuals of the highest moral character and purest selfless motivation enter the political arena; promises to do better in the 2000 election campaigns;
Utility Goddess -- Prevents disruptions in gas, electric, telephone, water and sewer services to your humble abode; currently assisting power companies in locating and replacing embedded computer chips which will become confused and dysfunctional, possibly angry and bitter, after Dec. 31, 1999, and plunge the world into darkness and chaos;
Employment God -- produces a help wanted ad precisely matching your skills and interests at the exact time you need a new job; streamlines the application and interview process, removing any requirements for past work history or references; instills in your employer an extreme desire to meet your every financial, benefit and work scheduling need because the company could not possibly survive without your contributions;
Checkout Goddess -- guides you away from lanes in which the cashier will run out of receipt tape or go on break just before your turn arrives; keeps you from attempting to purchase unmarked items for which nobody in the store knows the price; prevents bar code readers from multiple scanning of single products; underwrites the strength of all bags into which your purchases are placed, regardless of whether you choose paper or plastic;
Weather God -- ensures that a smile need not be your umbrella; guarantees that it will never rain on your parade; installs silver linings in all dark clouds; promises that gray skies are gonna clear up; provides clear days, so you can rise and look around you;
Lost and Misplaced Object Goddess -- directs absent-minded persons to the exact location they placed that thing they just had a minute ago; reunites owners and things they know they have (like auto turn signal bulbs, vacuum cleaner belts and lawn mower spark plug wrenches) and put in a very special place to be sure they could find them again but can't quite recall where;
Puncture-Proofing God -- erects a protective force field between tires and road hazards; preserves balloons presented to young children at gala sales promotions and chain restaurants until these bobbing, helium-filled annoyances are inadvertently given the freedom of the skies; safeguards foolish individuals who believe running while carrying scissors is acceptable behavior;
The Creativity Goddess -- provides plausible answers for impeachment inquiries, credible explanations for moving traffic violations and acceptable reasons for non-completion of homework assignments; explains suspicious tax return deductions; maintains the stability of the universe;
The Communications God -- intercepts all inbound junk mail and spam; reinforces internet service provider connections to ensure that you are always surfing the web at top FCC-regulated speed without interruption; pressures local cable companies to add internet capabilities to their equipment prior to the arrival of the fourth millennium;
The Pet Goddess -- watches over all dogs, cats, iguanas, pythons named Monty and any other animals formally designated as pets by their owners, preventing them from destroying property during extended absences, becoming lost or straying into the paths of inattentive drivers;
The Caffeine God -- ensures that no waitress or waiter ever, either by accident or design, serves you decaf when your sagging stream of consciousness is expecting the real thing;
The Ceiling Goddess -- controls all things above your head while in an enclosed space, including light fixtures, that curiously wobbly fan and, of course, the ever-threatening crystal chandelier;
The Transportation God -- underwrites all mechanical conveyances through the heavens, at sea or on land, including the ability of your car to start on a sub-zero January day, the odds of your luxury cruise liner encountering an iceberg in the north Atlantic and the likelihood that your airline flight will be the target of a terrorist attack; prevents sub-compact cars from being crushed by rampaging sport utility vehicles;
The Relationship Goddess -- referees all interpersonal interactions, especially the never-ending battle of the sexes; provides competent attorneys and sympathetic judges in the terminal stages of relationships;
The Computer God -- protects all cybernetic hardware and software, particularly the Windows 95 registry; arbitrates the mysterious internal conflicts producing the dreaded "blue screen of death" on your monitor;
The Schedule Coordinator Goddess -- guarantees that you will be not only in your residence but available whenever a "signature required" package is delivered to your door or a cable or telephone line installer or a repairman of any type at last arrives; coordinates any social event requiring that three or more people be in the same place at the same time;
The Television Programming God -- guards all shows you love, theoretically charged with preventing mentally disturbed television network executives from randomly moving shows to different time slots and days without warning or putting them "on hiatus"; prevents (with help from the Utility Goddess) power failures during all programmed VCR recording time periods; shields viewers from mental anguish by automatically blanking out Old Navy commercials;
Now taking new deity suggestions.
DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.