Volume XIII
Issue 7
July 2010
Copyright
© 1998-2010
The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316
Be Ye Enlightened
Q: Does the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock observe a lot of
ritualistic anniversaries or other special days?
A: One holiday fits all! CRYES has established only one High Holy Day of
Optional Observation, Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us, which was conceived on
TV's Seinfeld, but never fully developed. Because of the extreme flexibility
attached to this holiday, in terms of time and methods of celebration, the church does not
anticipate a need for any additional holidays in the foreseeable future.
Q: I'm a member of the American working poor, so I don't have a
lot of discretionary income left after I pay for food, clothing and shelter. Yet, I yearn
for the comforts that come with faith. Does CRYES require frequent and substantial
monetary contributions in order to remain a member in good standing?
A: Join now, pay never! Thanks to our low, low overhead and high-volume
devotional discounts, the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock has no need to ever
pass the plate among the equally revered members of its congregation. In fact, CRYES has
indefinitely waived its membership fee during its extended drive to fatten up its flock.
Q: Ever since I became bald, I have been wearing an aluminum
foil hat to keep telepathic creatures from another galaxy out of my mind. Will the Church
of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock save me if I expose my chrome dome to the skies?
A: Let us reflect. You could add a belief that alien telepathic
transmissions are actually absorbed and stored by hair, putting the well-haired at greater
risk. How about installing a Goddess or God of Cranial Protection in our pantheon? You
could create any combination of additional beliefs or deities until you feel comfortable
without your hat. If it would ease your mind, CRYES can initiate state-of-the-art,
round-the-clock intergalactic telepathic transmission monitoring for your protection.
Q: Which of your CRYES gods or goddesses is responsible for the
creation of the universe?
A: Big bang! Needless to day, CRYES dogma enables any resident of the
pantheon to perform any act desired by the believer. Under applicable CRYES bylaws, no
pantheon member is restricted to the duties and powers described therein. Current
evidence, however, points to our Creativity Goddess as the most likely nominee for this
act.
Q: What is the CRYES position on "Original Sin"?
A: Banish the thought! Officially CRYES rejects the concept of sin,
unless, of course, the member is convinced that he or she has been very, very bad and
needs to be punished. Unofficially, CRYES commends anyone who commits a truly original sin
as an amazing innovator in a very crowded field of endeavor.
Q: Does CRYES condone worship of any of the lower animals?
A: Holy cow! While the CRYES pantheon does not, to the best of our
knowledge, currently include an animal deity, we can readily accommodate any that you may
wish to install. Missing your pet poodle, Fifi, perhaps? How about adding her to our
pantheon as the "Departed Pet Goddess"?
Q: I am currently a member of another religion. Am I required to
renounce my faith to become a member of the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock?
A: Good heavens, no! Unlike most religions, which frown on multiple
religious affiliations by its members, CRYES allows simultaneous membership in any number
of churches. The all-weather CRYES belief system is fully compatible with any other faiths
to which its members may subscribe.
Q: Must I be a member of CRYES to suggest additions to your
dogma or pantheon?
A: Absolutely not! The no-fault CRYES religism readily accepts suggested
beliefs and deities from members and non-members alike. The CRYES theological foundation
and structure are constructed, not of stone and steel, but of clay and balsa wood.
Q: What if I die as a CRYES member, and I don't like my
afterlife?
A: Contact us immediately! Assuming you did not take advantage of one of
our periodic free open membership enrollment offers, you will receive a full membership
fee refund. In addition, the CRYES unconditional afterlifetime guarantee is underwritten
by a major international insurance company which will literally move heaven and earth to
relocate your post-mortem persona to a more acceptable environment. We won't rest until
you're resting in peace.
Q: The doctrines of my current faith leave no room for
questions. Is CRYES more lenient in this area?
A: Without a doubt! Any suggested CRYES beliefs and deities may be
accepted, rejected or modified to meet your needs. Under our no-questions-asked policy,
you may, at any time, return any CRYES doctrine or God/Goddess, with or without original
packaging. You will never ever be charged a restocking fee.
Q: Why did the CRYES founder wait so long before trying to
recruit new members?
A: We thought you'd never ask! The Rev. Oral Groove was convinced that
such an all-purpose religism as CRYES would naturally draw followers by its very
existence. Being blessed with an extremely patient nature, he did not see fit to
immediately launch an intense membership drive. He also had a premonition that active
promotion of his all-accepting theological philosophy might result in being pelted by a
variety of rotten exotic fruits. (See "History")
Seeking guidance on a painful question of faith?
DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.