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Believe What You Want...Or Don't

Religism (ri-líj-iz-em) noun
1.  system of professed theological beliefs that doesn't quite qualify as a bona fide religion, yet seems nearly plausible
2. large group of loosely organized individuals abnormally devoted to an object or concept which appears to be without exceptional merit to the general populace.

The Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock has an infinitely liberal attitude toward the beliefs or non-beliefs of those who elect to join the congregation. Virtually any belief is allowed and encouraged.

Suggested beliefs may be offered by the church pastor and any member of the congregation. Non-member suggestions are also accepted. Anyone is free to view the cumulative list and accept or reject any encountered. Anyone may also, at any time, offer additional suggested beliefs or non-beliefs by e-mailing them to the Very Left Rev. Oral Groove, congregation founder, pastor and charter member.

Members or prospective members may thus fabricate a belief or non-belief system uniquely tailored to their own needs. Such is the magnanimousness of CRYES.

Without further ado, here are the CRYES officially suggested beliefs -- so far:

There are no illegal immigrants, only irrelevant borders.

Atomic secrets are a blast"

"Coffee is so bad it's good"

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a documentary
series on the American high school experience
and should be taken very, very seriously"

"It is in you, and with luck, a good physician can remove it"

"Anything misplaced can be found in the last place
you would logically look; just check there first"

"The availability of money is inversely related to your need for it"

"Friends will be there for you, especially in reruns"

"Fitness kills"

"Make ye a joyful noise, and people will suspect you're up to something"

"Warning: just doing it can be harmful to your health"


"Drivers are, in fact, wanted, but mostly for school bus routes"

"Blondes do not have more fun; they only reflect more light"

"You can, indeed, have it your way"

"You know exactly where you want to go
today and deeply resent being asked"

"The power of cheese is awesome to behold"

"Believe what you want; or don't"

"Choose your deities and rank them in any way that you see fit"

"Refer to your deities in any manner you may deem appropriate"

"Fashion images of your deities from whatever materials
may be a hand -- egg cartons, empty beer cans, old newspapers -- patterning their appearance on whatever catches your fancy"

"Remember Friday, for is is surely the best day of the work week; but forget not Saturday and Sunday, the only excellent days of the week"

"Honor your parents and stepparents, at least until you are big
enough to have a 50-50 chance of surviving a physical altercation"

"Kill if you must, but only if you stand to profit immensely
and are unlikely to be caught and brought to justice"

"Adultery is a fact of life, but commit it carefully"

"Never steal anything small"

"Should your neighbor prove irksome, anonymously
inform municipal authorities that he or she is willy-nilly
mixing aluminum and tin cans in his or her recycling bin"

"Cultivate the friendship of any neighbor who is better off than you, frequently dropping by without warning, mooching her or his food and drink, and borrowing anything she or he may own and keeping it indefinitely, denying ever having seen it, should your neighbor inquire"

Belief suggestions accepted.

DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.