Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008
Copyright
© 1998-2008
The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316
Few religisms have swept through America as swiftly and completely as the Beanie Babies® Brigade.
Its beginnings go back less than a decade, when the first Beanie Babies® were "born" on an unknown date. H. Ty Warner was under the mistaken impression that he was a mere toy designer when he fashioned Beanie Babies® with youngsters in mind. Little did he know that he was founding a new religism.
The Beanie Babies® Brigade encompasses a large demographic cross-section of American society. Its millions of members include all ages, ethnic groups and occupations. Some are even children.
The typical brigade member is, under normal circumstances, indistinguishable from any other average citizen one might encounter on the street. Place a brigade member in the vicinity of a shop which has just received a new shipment of Beanie Babies®, however, and a startling transformation takes place.
The most immediate affect is a sharp increase in visual acuity, as "brigader" eyes lock on a shelf stocked with fresh, new Beanie Babies®. Massive quantities of adrenaline are injected into the bloodstream, and the brigader gains the superhuman strength needed to acquire as many of the new arrivals as possible. It is extremely unwise for any normal shopper to stray between a fully transformed brigader and his or her objective.
Many innocent bystanders have been seriously hurt when accidentally caught in a brigade rush, which has been accurately compared to a shark feeding frenzy. At least one death has been attributed to this phenomenon.
Marijane Elizabeth Snodgrass, a stocky 47-year-old homemaker from Wolfhurst, West Virginia, died of injuries sustained during a 1997 brigade incident at a Wheeling convenience store. Investigators theorized that the victim's uncanny resemblance to Patti the Platypus, one of the earliest Beanie Babies®, may have contributed to the tragedy.
The Beanie Babies Brigade is fueled by the belief that extensive collections of these stuffed toys, particularly those which have been "retired," will someday be worth a fortune. This belief is based on an estimated survival rate of ten percent for the Beanie Babies® population by the year 2008.
Considering the efforts being undertaken by brigaders to preserve Beanie Babies® and even the tags attached, the survival rate is likely to be significantly higher. A corresponding drop in future values of Beanie Babies® could conceivably be the result.
Who knows? The next generation of toddlers may even find themselves actually playing with an assortment of cute, cuddly Beanie Babies® their parents find for them at rummage and garage sales throughout the country.
Beanie Babies® is a registered trademark of Ty Inc.
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