Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008

The Temple of Titanic Devotion

What will millions of zealous followers do when last Titanic re-release shows for the last time in the last theater in the world? Will the home video be enough? Not nearly enough, the Globe-Guardian has discovered. The faithful are already organizing into a new religism known as The Temple of Titanic Devotion.

The latest Titanic film characters provide a ready theological hierarchy for the budding TTD. Jack Dawson is the Most Revered Sacrificing Messiah of Self-Actualization; Rose Dwitt Bukater, the Greatly Confused Riches-to-Rags Easily Seduced Spiritual Leader; Cal Hocklye, the Much-Reviled and Booed Great Evil One; and Spicer Lovejoy, the Hellish Henchman.

The TTD congregation consists almost entirely of girls between the ages of 13 and 17. They currently gather several times each week in their remaining houses of worship, the theaters throughout the globe in which Titanic has become a semi-permanent celluloid resident.

Devotees willingly contribute as much as $9 (New York) to attend each showing, which is 35.7 percent above the average donation received by established churches. Crafty theater operators have added to their already overflowing Titanic coffers by making impassioned pleas for "hold-over support," then passing freewill offering baskets down the aisles during each presentation. Some owners have succeeded in filling baskets two or three times by picking key emotional moments in the film to begin additional collections.

"I would just die if Titanic stopped playing here," said Niki Crawford, 14, Pascagoula, Miss. "I've seen it 53 times so far this summer, but a lot of my friends have seen it more."

Titanic worshippers have squandered babysitting earnings, birthday and holiday cash gifts, and college fund savings in frenzied efforts to continue their theatrical pilgrimages. Many are rumored to have turned to street panhandling, petty theft or worse to continue feeding their needs and box office records.

"I'll do anything, anything, for another Titanic ticket," gushed a glassy-eyed Cindy Taylor, 13, Red Butte, Mont. "I've even cleaned my room, turned in my telephone and renounced Hanson."

TTD members are convinced that, if they want a crack at first-class passage in the next life, they must pay until it hurts. Devotees firmly believe that when they die, their souls will follow Rose to the perpetually floating Titanic, which remains forever embarked on its maiden voyage on a pleasant hereafter sea, nary an iceberg in sight. Nothing they eat from the continuously served buffets will ever cause a pimple, the mall is always open and each evening's ball may provide an opportunity to dance with Jack.

A TTD hymnal has been created using the Titanic soundtrack album. Each service opens and closes with Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On. Traditional church choirs have been replaced by eerily engaging Irish tin whistle ensembles.

During its continuing formative stages, the TTD membership meets in rented theaters during off hours. Plans for a permanent Titanic theme park, which will also serve as a national shrine and worship palace, are reportedly being made by Fox and Paramount.

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