Home Religism Kits
First, let me apologize.
The Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock does not have a school of any sort (although members are, as always, free to form a school at any time). The concept of a back-to-school sale came from our newly appointed congregation volunteer marketing director. An old community newspaper ad man, he was apparently unable to resist the "special section" impulse that invariably accompanies this particular season. It's in his blood. Again, I am sorry.
Despite the CRYES lack of back-to-school supplies, I am pleased to tell you that we have, shipped our first production run of do-it-yourself religism kits. Coming just a year after our enormously successful franchise mission center operation, these kits bring the convenience of our nationwide fast religism centers to the shelves of finer department stores and supermarkets everywhere. Look for them in discount book or seafood sections.
No more excuses. Now, it is easier than ever for every man, woman and child in America to have religisms they may call their own. No need to run to the nearest CRYES mission center. Each kit contains scaled down but fully functional descriptions of our dogma and deities. The kit also features a wallet-sized card on which are inscribed our most frequently asked questions, along with a handy toll-free number for our 24-hour theological support desk, just in case questions not covered should arise.
Each kit buyer may examine the offerings and piece together the combination that seems personally right for her or him. Blank cards are included for self-created deities or dogma. Once the individual religism components have been chosen, the kit provides a handy imitation leather pouch in which they can all be handily stored for instant reference in times of trouble. The pouch will easily slip into any backpack or medium-sized purse.
All of this for only $19.76 each. As always, CRYES offers an unconditional money back guarantee. If a personally assembled religism ever fails to maintain the faith of its original creator, it may be returned to the point of purchase for a no questions asked refund. Original sales slips must, of course, be presented at that time.
Until next month, bless you for coming to CRYES, and may your preferred deities be always watching your back.
DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.