The
Sermon off the Mount
Someone recently asked me if I have ever delivered a sermon. I had to reply that I have
not, primarily because the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock does not hold
services.
Upon further reflection, however, I decided that I might be
somewhat remiss in my duties as pastor if I did not provide at least some type of
rudimentary guidance to church members. Accordingly, I have developed the all-purpose
sermon delivered here. Take it for what it is worth; or don't. We respect your freedom to
choose.
That said, let us begin with what I have titled my "Sermon
off the Mount."
Good day. As I look out among you, I see familiar faces and
newcomers. In the name of all the deities and beliefs each and every one of you may
consider holy, I welcome you to the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock and invite
you to stay for refreshments provided by our Martha Stewart Guild following the sermon.
My lesson reaches to the very core of CRYES theological
philosophy. I speak to you, of course, about freedom of religism. As many of you here
today know, the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock has the unique honor of being the
world's first "religism."
Religism is a word we coined here at CRYES. It's a noun which
we have defined as a system of professed theological beliefs that doesn't quite qualify as
a bona fide religion, yet seems nearly plausible. Broadening our scope, we have further
defined religism as a large group of loosely organized individuals abnormally devoted to
an object or concept which appears to be without exceptional merit to the general
populace. Beanie Baby collectors, for example.
As you can see, religism is a highly flexible word which can
be applied to virtually every theological system now in existence or to any which will be
created in the future. Every man, woman and child on this planet and offworlders, if we
have those among us today, is endowed by his, her or its creator or creators with certain,
inalienable rights. Chief among these is the right to believe what they want (or don't)
about the organizational structure of the universe and their own places in it.
A corollary to our central CRYES concept is the right to alter
your personal beliefs any time personal experience may lead you in a new direction. You
are free to choose any existing organized religious belief system or create a
"religism" of your own. We at the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock have
a deep respect for all the religions and religisms of the world. Our only contention is
that none of them have, or should be construed to have, an ultimate lock on the truth, in
general, or on your personal truth, in particular.
Unless, of course, that is what you happen to believe. We can
respect that. Just don't expect us to accept it.
This concludes the CRYES official, all-purpose "Sermon off
the Mount." For the convenience of our flock or any interested outsiders who may some
day find themselves in dire need of a sermon, this page will be archived and available
through the Globe-Guardian on-site search engine.
For those of you who may have already been dozing at the start,
refreshments will be served.
Until next month, bless you for coming to CRYES, and may your
preferred deities be always watching your back.
DISCLAIMER:
The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the
Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of
the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the
views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.
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