One of our loyal congregation members came to me the other day and posed an interesting question.
Why, she asked, does the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock not have its own mysterious religious vision, like the Shroud of Turin or the more recently discovered Spud o' Christ ? After all, she reasoned, it would be great publicity for the church and might even serve to spur our ongoing membership drive.
Well, ask, and ye shall receive. We took a hard look around the CRYES international headquarters, and lo and behold, if we didn't uncover a completely unexpected vision of our own.
We had about given up hope, when we found, jammed into a corner of our rearmost pew, a paper wad. I unfolded it and discovered it was a losing lottery ticket. I was about to toss it in the trash when I noticed that the wrinkles in one corner of the ticket formed a curious, headlike shape. I took a closer look under a magnifying glass and was amazed to spy what appeared someone spying back at me. And not just any someone.
It gives me untold pleasure to introduce to the world the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock's first religism vision, the Alfred E. Neuman Losing Lottery Ticket. Yes, it's a clear image of none other than the patron saint of tasteless comic book reading juveniles of all ages throughout the world. We hold this to be incontrovertible proof that Mad Magazine is on a higher plane than most people believe.
One can only speculate about the divine forces which must have played a hand in creating such a vision. Who thought to crumple the lottery ticket while in the CRYES sanctuary? How many randomly shifting backsides in the months that have since passed aided in so precisely shaping it? The deities do, indeed, work in mysterious ways.
Our religism vision has been enshrined in a glass case in the very center of the CRYES sanctuary. The case is open for viewing by members and non-members alike during normal business hours. Coming soon, complete lines of visionary T-shirts, postcards and designer bed sheets.
Until next month, bless you for coming to CRYES, and may your preferred deities be always watching your back.
DISCLAIMER: The views, opinions and beliefs expressed by the Rev. Oral Groove and the Church of the Rotate Your Envelope Stock do not necessarily represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian management and do not, by any stretch of the imagination, represent the views, opinions or beliefs of the Globe-Guardian staff of hundreds.
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