Local News Anchor
Cast in the mold of Ted Baxter, the local news anchor has been a fixture at every
local network affiliate television station for decades. How necessary are these talking
heads? QuestionMan tracked one down to find out. Warning: This is not a viable career
option for anyone who has a face made for radio or a voice made for print.
QuestionMan: Here's the big question. If you were
suddenly eliminated from the local television news scene, would viewers be any worse off?
Local News Anchor: Absolutely. Without the guidance I and my esteemed
colleagues provide, local television viewers would not get the crucial information they
need to successfully navigate their daily lives. Hey, how's my hair?
QM: Perfect, not a lock out of place. Can you give
me a representative example of the "crucial information" you deliver?
LNA: One prime example which immediately comes to mind was done by my
station just last month. It was a revealing five-part investigative series which warned
the dining public about the dangers of hot water in restaurant restrooms. We saved a lot
of lives that week. Is my makeup OK?
QM: Flawless; you're a virtual Adonis. Saved lives?
Aren't most people naturally cautious enough to mix a little cold water with the hot,
maybe test it with their pinkies before sticking their hands in the stream?
LNA: Sure, now they do that; but only because they watched our
series. As always, we have performed a valuable public service without any consideration
given to personal gain. You know, my ratings were really up last month. How much of a
raise do you think I could leverage?
QM: The sky's the limit. A lot of people would say
local stations do things like investigating restaurant hot water supplies because they
don't have enough hard news to report on a daily basis. How do you answer such critics?
LNA: I say who died and put them in charge of the news? We have dozens of
behind-the-scenes experts, including quite a few famous broadcasting school graduates,
producing our newscasts. These idiotic armchair anchors on the other side of the screen
should shut up, sit back and try to absorb the words of wisdom we present to them in
whatever order of importance we select. Tell me, which do you think is my best side?
QM: They look identical to me. How do you feel
about jumping into network broadcasts to provide breaking local news stories?
LNA: I love it. This week, we preempted the last five minutes of the
season premiere of Friends to let viewers know that we had discovered insect
larvae in the salads served by a popular area restaurant. We couldn't just sit on that
information for more than two hours until our scheduled nightly broadcast. We needed to
alert people who may have been considering a trip to that restaurant when Friends
ended. What do you think of this tie? Does it say "authority" to you?
QM: It's very powerful. Restaurants seem to be a
special target of your investigative efforts. Do you ever look into other areas, say
political corruption, public safety or anything like that?
LNA: Of course we do. As a matter of fact, we've completing a hard look at
qualifications for school crossing guards. Did you know that most of them have only a high
school education and virtually no previous sign-handling experience? You would do well to
watch my broadcast next week, my friend. Prepare to be shocked. Say, have you heard
anything about Brokaw calling it quits?
[ Home ]