Professional Spokesman
In a world of increasingly ambiguous responsibility, the role of professional
spokesman has become progressively more prominent. QuestionMan was fortunate enough to
land a joint interview with two such persons who have been quoted in recent editions of
the Globe-Guardian, Rudy Tutetoot and Sissy Boombah.
QuestionMan: Well, I feel like I may be a little
outgunned in this interview. I've never had to face two professional spokesmen at the same
time.
Sissy Boombah: I don't think that will be a problem. While we do want to
put our "best foot" forward in our own interests, but we're not representing
anyone here but ourselves. We're still "spokesmen," but this isn't a
"professional" situation. We'll go easy on you.
QM: Hey, thanks. So, when you are in
professional mode, for whom are you usually speaking?
Rudy Tutetoot: We usually get prepared statements and contingency
responses from the personal secretary of a corporate CEO. I think we can safely assume
that the actual source is the CEO, although each secretary probably does an admirable job
of translating gibberish into something the public can understand.
QM: Do you always speak for corporations?
SB: Mostly. We occasionally get some government work, but federal agencies
generally have their own public relations departments. Some of our gigs come from
Senators, Congressmen and other elected officials. Usually, that's just damage control in
the wake of some type of internal affair.
QM: Do you mean "internal affair," as in
Monica Lewinsky?
RT: Something like that. All of that particular work, unfortunately, went
to the legal eagles. Matters of litigation require "live" responses to
questions, which is beyond the scope our comparatively limited roles. All other
"professional spokesman" duties for the White House fall on the shoulders of the
press secretary, the ultimate job to which all of us in this business aspire.
QM: Are you ever allowed to depart from the
material you've been given?
SB: We are never authorized to answer questions not covered by our
prepared statements and responses. As soon as questions stray outside anticipated
parameters, we are directed to issue the standard "I have no further comment"
statement, then conclude the press conference or interview.
QM: What happens if you do a little adlibbing?
RT: That is a violation of the sacred trust a CEO has placed in the
professional spokesman. Any professional spokesman who decides to "wing it" is
quickly drummed out of the professional spokesman corps.
QM: What if departing from the material had an
unexpected positive effect? Say a professional spokesman for George Lucas succeeded in
getting "Phantom Menace" fans to warm up to Jar Jar Binks?
SB: Assuming that such a thing is possible, which, by the way, it's not,
that spokesman would still be out of the business. With an amazing coup like that on a
resume, however, she or he would definitely have a lucrative opportunity to pursue a
career as an independent public relations consultant.
QM: OK, here's a question for you. If a westbound
train traveling at 70 mph left Cleveland at 5 p.m. Tuesday, and an eastbound train
traveling at 55 mph left Denver an hour later, when and where would they meet?
RT/SB (chanting in unison): I have no further comment. This interview is
concluded.
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