The Six Who Wouldn't
Anyone who has scanned the help wanted classifieds in newspapers or shoppers has
encountered this month's obscure celebrities. The wording and numbers vary, but the ad
usually reads something like: "Wanted, six hard-working employees to replace six who
wouldn't." They weren't easy to track down, but the Globe-Guardian's unstoppable
QuestionMan succeeded in finding these half-dozen alleged slackers to bring you their side
of the story.
QuestionMan: I'm certain that most people
have heard of you, but I imagine nobody suspected that you actually exist. Could you
provide a little background on your, er, group?
Number One: Not a problem, Q. As the leading digit of the Six Who Wouldn't, I have
had the duty of official spokesman thrust upon me. The Six do, in fact, exist, but not as
real employees. You see, tougher truth-in-advertising laws being enacted in most states
have forced the sterling employers who use this admittedly sleazy ad tactic to have six
extremely lazy employees on hand to display, should the appropriate authorities demand
proof of their claim.
QM: Don't these ads appear throughout the
United States? I would think that you must frequently be needed in more than one place at
the same time.
Number Six: I'll take this one, One. The Six serve as the directing board of the
The Six Who Wouldn't Corporation, an international firm employing several thousand highly
trained, slothful employee impersonators ready to go wherever they're needed at moment's
notice. We realized very early in our endeavor that The Six would not be able to shoulder
the work load alone. We still go "into the field" on occasion, just to
keep our skills honed.
QM: I'm impressed. Can you tell me some of
the employers you've had?
Number One: We're really not at liberty to name names, considering that we are
essentially perpetrating fraud upon state bureaucrats who generally take a rather dim view
of such actions. Suffice it to say that our operatives are placed largely in the fast
food, telemarketing and rodeo clown sectors of the economy. Our clients appreciate our
discretion, just as we appreciate the Globe-Guardian's discretion in not revealing the
location of our headquarters.
QM: Well, that was a condition of the
interview. With all this cloak-and-dagger atmosphere, how do prospective employers reach
you?
Number Two: I must get my two cents-worth in. We operate mostly through
word-of-mouth referrals by satisfied customers. A coded ad is placed in one of several
international publications monitored by our corporation, sort of a "bat signal,"
if you will, and we contact those who need us through our network of agents. At no time
are The Six and the employers who hire us ever in direct contact. It's safer that way for
all involved.
QM: I'm afraid that's about as
much space as we have for this interview. Thanks for sitting down with me. Number
Three, Number
Four, Number. Five, you've been quiet, anything to add?
Number One: They're our "silent partners," ha, ha. I think our service
has been adequately covered. I might point out that we are not limited to six, but ads
featuring large numbers of employees up for replacement tend to draw more attention from
regulating agencies. Be sure to think of us if the Globe-Guardian ever finds itself in
need of trimming some of its dead wood. Ask about our buy six, get one free, summer
special.
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