The Guys

Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008

QuestionLady is written and played by SL Stukey, herself an Obscure Celebrity of a sort. It is likely that somewhere, sometime, you have read something she has written, especially if you live in the Midwestern United States. She has been writing promotional material, instruction manuals, and other such everyday literature for many years (she'd say how many, if she could remember what year she started, it was 1989, or maybe 1991). She always thought she'd be a real writer someday, but she's not holding her breath anymore.

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The Guys

The Globe-Guardian's brand new Question Lady managed to catch up with The Guys, those unsung but ever-present buddies used as a convenient answer to the question, "Where are you going, and who’s going to be there?"

QuestionLady: Wow, it was hard to track you guys down!
The Guys: We have a busy schedule. All over the country, somebody, somewhere is hanging out with The Guys.

QL: This isn’t exactly a question, but I can’t help but notice that you are a group, not individuals. I mean, you aren’t all identical, but I can’t really tell you apart. Also, some you seem to be women.
TG: Yeah, that’s us. Strength in numbers; no names, no pack drill. That’s the beauty of hanging out with The Guys. Sometimes there’s just one of us, sometimes all of us. No one has to know more than that. And, sure, some of us are women—it’s the 90s, oh, I guess the 00s, we’re ambidextrous.

QL: I think you mean androgynous. Or maybe genderless. No, that’s not right either. Equal opportunity, right?
TG: Whatever. We’re not into specifics.

QL: I hate to harp on the gender thing, but don’t most people think of The Guys as a strictly male phenomenon?
TG: Well, sure, we were originally a bunch of male teenagers, but over the years we’ve grown and moved with the times. Some of us are still male, still teenagers, but some of us are middle-aged (not that we’ll admit it in public—we can still play "Home on the Range" on our armpit and do), and, sure, some of us are women.

QL: So, what about The Girls?
TG: We don’t hang out with them much. Except in a date type situation, or extreme emergency, like buying a present for Mom or something.

QL: I mean, if some of you are women, why are you The Guys? What happened to The Girls?
TG: You should ask them. As far as we know, they’re doing OK. Some of us do slide over to The Girls once in awhile and report back to us on what they’re doing, especially when they’re talking about us.

QL: I guess my question is, if some of the Guys are women and some of the Girls are men, what’s the difference between your groups?
TG: Mainly, it’s the things we do. Us guys, we shoot pool, go skateboarding, watch sports on TV, those kind of things. The Girls, they go shopping (for fun, not ‘cause they need something), watch some girl movie [QL: I think he means chick flick.], do their hair or stuff like that.

QL: I think I see. Both groups have some similarities though, don’t they?
TG: Yeah. The Girls go have coffee. Us guys do the same thing, only we call it having a few beers. So sure, we are kind of the same, but kind of different too.

QL: So you don’t foresee a time when the two groups will merge into one another?
TG: No.

QL: What is the secret to your social success?
TG: Well, when parents or bosses or wives (or Significant Others) ask someone where they’re going and who with, people are going to call on us. The question asker gets an answer, and no one is really the wiser.

QL: And why is that?
TG: The question asker assumes that us guys are the same guys that have been cluttering up the house or office all this time, so they’re satisfied. Of course, that’s not always the case. We’re a good excuse for spending time without accounting for it. And that’s OK with us. We figure they’ll do the same for us someday.

TG: Of course you can take it too far. It’s one thing to say you’re spending an evening with The Guys, even a weekend camping with The Guys. It’s probably not a good idea to say you’re going for two weeks in Tahiti with The Guys.

QL: I see. I had some other questions about The Boys, who were apparently your predecessors, but I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.
TG: Sure thing. Want to go have a beer?

QL: Um, sure.

(QuestionLady didn’t lock the door to the office, and hasn’t shown up for work today, so apparently she is still hanging out with The Guys.)

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