Area
Man
One of our two loyal readers recently expressed disappointment that we had not
been able to corner and interview Area Man. Wrote the reader, "I see him referred to
in newspaper headlines all the time, but I know absolutely nothing about him. Maybe a
future interview?" Well, that revelation absolutely embarrassed the dickens out of
us, so we immediately dispatched QuestionMan to fill this glaringly obscure gap.
QuestionMan: On behalf of the entire Globe-Guardian
staff of hundreds, I want to express our sincere apologies for not interviewing you long
before now. Can you possibly forgive us?
Area Man: Certainly. A lot of people think I'm some sort of mathematician.
You'd be amazed to learn how many calls I get from people who have problems with
calculating square footage.
QM: Huh?
AM: You know, as in multiplying a parallelogram's length by its width to
get its area?
QM: Oh, I get it. Barely punny. I mean, very funny.
AM: Sorry. Old Area Man joke.
QM: All kidding aside, exactly what makes you who
you are?
AM: Sometimes, I actually do some something quite newsworthy, like win a
multi-million dollar lottery. In that case, any news medium within a 500-mile radius of my
home will recognize me as Area Man and run the story. More often, I'm featured by media
seeking a handle on a story which they cannot otherwise justify covering.
QM: I'm not sure I understand. Can you give me an
example?
AM: OK, take the most intensely covered national story of 1999, the John
F. Kennedy Jr. airplane tragedy. Big-time media could and did give the crash all the
coverage they wanted, but what about the little guy in McCool Junction, Nebraska? That's
where I come in.
QM: How do you mean?
AM: Well, the McCool Junction media can't begin to compete with national
and international media coverage, but how about a headline like: "Area Man Tied to
Kennedys"?
QM: I think that might sell a few newspapers.
AM: Right you are. Of course, readers wade through a lengthy rehash of the
accident story only to discover that I have an extensive collection of Kennedy
half-dollars; but the papers have been sold, and the McCool Junction Messenger has
successfully jumped on the band wagon.
QM: I see. Do these local media people always turn
to you in such circumstances?
AM: Actually, I'm just the second-string connection. They contact me only
if they are unable to locate their first choice.
QM: And that would be?
AM: Why, Local Man, of course.
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