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NATO
Targets (Tiranë, Albania, June 13, 2006)--NATO bombs began raining on the national capital here early today as allies extended war efforts to end persecution of the ethnic Serbian minority in Kosovo. NATO planes hit military targets in outlying areas as well as Tiranë. Meanwhile, air raids aimed at driving the Kosovo Liberation Army out of the province continued into their second month. KLA leader Hashim Thaqi has defied NATO orders to disband his forces, vowing to continue fighting until every Serbian within the Kosovo boundaries has either been banished or eliminated. He has the covert support of Albanian leaders in Tiranë, NATO officials said in justifying the raids into Albania. "We have high confidence that our new and improved 'smarter bombs' have hit most of our intended targets," reported Gen. Warren Peace, supreme commander of NATO forces in Europe. "We learned a lot 7 years ago, when we were bombing the heck out of the Serbians for the Albanians. Sure, we've received the usual complaints of civilian casualties, including some Serbians in Kosovo. Most of these, we believe, have come from Albanian troublemakers." Atrocities against Kosovo Serbs began the moment the NATO offensive against Serbian forces ended in 1999. Despite the presence of more than 60,000 UN peacekeeping ground forces by 2004, ethnic Albanian acts of violence continued to escalate. Gangs of toughs carried out daily attacks on the dwindling Serbian population, killing unarmed men and women, looting and burning homes, and brazenly littering the streets of Pristina with fast food wrappings. Finally conceding defeat, NATO withdrew its troops this spring and made good on its threats to return to the air, this time targeting those it championed only a few short years earlier. Strikes against KLA units in Kosovo began in mid-April. Reports of retaliatory mass executions of ethnic Serbians who had not fled Kosovo immediately followed the onset of the new airstrikes. "Wherever atrocities raise their ugly heads, wherever human rights violations slither from the rocks of oppression, wherever bad rock music is forced upon the ears of innocent ethnic minorities, NATO will be there," promised Peace. "We may not make things better, but we certainly make things more even, especially the landscape." McGwire
Android! (St. Louis, Mo., Aug. 25, 2001) -- The secret behind Mark McGwire's superhuman ability to knock balls out of the park was dramatically exposed here today. He's not human. The revelation came when the homerun hero took a fastball to the left side of his face at the bottom of the fifth in a homestand against the Brewers, and Big Mac went down in a shower of sparks. The pyrotechnics continued as his body wildly thrashed on the plate, melting and igniting his batting helmet. The Cards coaching staff quickly surrounded the downed slugger, blocking cameras as McGwire was taken off the field, trailing a thick plume of black smoke. Perplexed umpires hastily conferred and decided to suspended the game, pending investigation of this unprecedented development. "This situation is as much a shock to me as it is to the rest of the world," William DeWitt Jr., general partner in the investment group which owns the Cardinals franchise, told sports reporters on the scene. "Neither I nor my partners had any inkling that Mac was anyone other than the hard-hitting baseball player he appeared to be. Beyond that, I have no additional comments at this time." Bud Selig, major league baseball commissioner, announced that McGwire has been suspended from additional games as the commissioner's office looks into the matter. He left open the possibility that McGwire may return to the field. "Our initial review of the rulebook shows no language expressly prohibiting android participation," Selig said. "Of course, such technology did not exist at the time the rules were last revised. Let me add that Mac has been very good for major league baseball, and I would hate to see him permanently removed." McGwire, along with his homerun rival, the Cubs' Sammy Sosa, revived a comatose American passion for the game in the 1998 season, when he broke the single-season major league record with 70 homers. Mac broke the record again in 1999, with a regular season total of 75. But last year, the big firstbaseman, then 36, began showing signs that his batting prowess may have peaked. By mid-season, McGwire had only 20 homeruns on the record book. Then came what has become known as the "Big Mac Miracle." McGwire averaged a homer per game for the balance of the season to finish with another record-shattering season total of 91. With 57 season home runs to his credit going into today's game, McGwire was expected to set yet another record this year. Anticipation of breaking Henry Aaron's career homerun record of 755 next year had St. Louis fans in a frenzy. The miracle, however, appears to have been strictly technological. According to a reliable source on the Cardinals coaching staff who agreed to speak to the Globe-Guardian on condition of anonymity, the batting slump ended because Mark McGwire hasn't been on the field for more than a year. "The last 128 homers have been hit by an android replacement," the source said. "They've all come courtesy of an Intel Pentium IV running at 1500 MHz powered by a 36-volt battery pack. The real Mark McGwire has been watching via closed-circuit television with the cybernetic team which created the android Mac." "He could have hit every pitch he was served over the wall," he added, "but that would have given the game away right off the bat." The likelihood of a robotic McGwire didn't seem to bother die-hard fans. Most of those polled as they left Busch Stadium today want the android back in the game. The stadium parking lot soon reverberated with fans chanting "Bring back Mac." In a possibly related story, Sosa was hustled off Wrigley Field as the Cubs entered the second inning of a contest with the Giants, just after the news about McGwire broke. Although the Cubs organization had no comment, speculation that Sosa may also have an android alter ego was rampant. Volkswagen Sues
eMachines (Wolfsburg, Germany, Aug. 31, 2003) -- An angry Volkswagen corporation has filed suit against eMachines, alleging that the new eMachines Roachcoach infringes on the design of VW's popular Beetle. "The Roachcoach represents a blatant design theft on the part of eMachines," declared Blitz Krieg, VW spokesman. "This new automobile is a dramatic departure from other eMachine model lines, consisting solely of computer systems. This makes it perfectly obvious that they have stolen the design from us." All charges of infringement on Volkswagen's car designs have been categorically denied by eMachines. While conceding that the Roachcoach may bear a "passing resemblance" to the Beetle, eMachines maintains that the two cars are "radically different." "Anyone who looks closely at these two vehicles can easily ascertain that these charges are groundless," stated Lyle Dathyme,"eMachines public relations chief. "The Roachcoach has a wheelbase which is a full 12 inches longer than the Beetle, and the wheels are much, much different." Volkswagen, however, fully intends to march forward with its action against eMachines. In a complaint filed with the U.S. District Court in Detroit, VW wants to halt all sales of the Roachcoach. The legal action also seeks compensatory and punitive compensation from eMachines for its alleged design infringement and confusion the Roachcoach may have generated in the minds of car buyers. "The new Volkswagen Beetle is a huge success throughout the world," Krieg said. "We have no intention of allowing eMachines to capitalize on the substantial German quality engineering and design efforts we have invested in our product, even if it means going to war." The computer manufacturer earlier drew fire from Apple when it announced a new system line bearing a remarkable resemblance to the Apple iMac line. [ Home ] |
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