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Copyright
© 1998-2008 |
Presidential
Race Has (Smallville, Kansas, June 15, 2004) -- Pledging to end the "charisma crisis" and restore the values of heroism and lifelike activities to the White House, Clark "Superman" Kent™ declared his candidacy for president of the United States here today. The ageless 66-year-old superhero made his announcement standing in front of the modest farmhouse in which he was raised. With Superman for the occasion were his parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent; and several colleagues, including Lois Lane, fellow reporter and sometimes girlfriend; Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter; and Perry White, publisher of the Daily Planet, a major metropolitan newspaper from which Superman has taken a leave of absence to conduct his campaign for the presidency. "The past four years have emphasized religious and moral hypocrisy in a manner unbecoming a Democratic president," Superman stated, in an apparent, although completely unnecessary, move to contrast himself with the colorless, odorless and tasteless administration of President Al Gore. "As the next leader of this great country, I promise to continue my never-ending battle for truth, justice and having some good, old-fashioned American fun along the way." Superman will run on the Democratic ticket, seeking to wrest the party nomination from the incumbent Gore. Political analysts agree that the Man of Steel should experience little difficulty in accomplishing that task. In the wake of the entirely too colorful presidency of Bill Clinton, Gore narrowly defeated Republican George W. Bush in the 2000 presidential election. While voters expressed their interest in the contest by staying away from the polls in record numbers, Gore carried the day only because he was perceived as slightly less boring than Bush. Superman resolved an issue on the minds of many of the reporters present at the announcement of his presidential bid, that of his origins. The oft-repeated story of his arrival on earth as a baby from a distant planet was a fabrication by his parents, who had been hard-pressed to explain why their tiny son seemed to possess powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal infants. The superhero produced a certified copy of his birth certificate to prove his claim. "A lot of you are probably surprised to learn that I'm a natural-born American citizen," Superman said. "Even more of you are probably surprised to learn that I'm real." "The last time I checked the Constitution," the Man of Steel continued. "I didn't see any restrictions on presidential superpowers. The American people will find my gifts exceptionally handy in a chief executive, and they're going to save a bundle on things like wardrobe, Secret Service protection and transportation. "By the way, there's no such thing as Kryptonite," Superman concluded. ™ Superman and all related characters, names and references are trademarks of DC Comics Serious
Housing Shortage (New Berlin, Wis, Aug. 3, 2001) -- Tom and Abby Van Patten are a typical young urban professional couple. Both recently obtained bachelor's degrees and landed good jobs. Their combined annual income is more than $250,000. Naturally, Tom and Abby want a home which reflects their status. Their dreams have been crushed by the harsh, barred gate reality of the national yuppie home crisis. "We wanted a home in Ostentatious Acres, just down the street from us, but they put us on a waiting list," sobbed Abby, "and they couldn't even tell us when our name would come up." The Van Pattens have forced to temporarily settle for a substandard $300,000 home on the frustrating fringe of more desirable real estate. They are not alone. Nationwide, an estimated 2.8 million yuppie couples are in the same sad holding pattern. "We just can't build these $750,000-plus superhomes fast enough to meet the demand," said Claude "Hammer" Cornercutter, contractor at nearby Superfluous Estates. "We've suspended taking orders for our best selling model, the Humongous, because we can't honestly tell customers when they will be able to take possession." Meanwhile, couples like the Van Pattens continue to cope as bravely as they can. Many have attempted to compensate by upgrading their plebeian Dodge and Ford sport utility vehicles to Mercedes and Lexus models. Still, they must endure the disdain of those who pass en route to their patrician palaces. "Some of the kids point and laugh," Tom said. "The adults usually just look away in embarrassment. It's very humiliating. Just because we don't own a Humongous doesn't mean we are somehow less than human. We count, too, dammit!" Even for those who have graduated to superhome status, however, hardships often remain. Take Ward and June Beaumont, proud new owners of a much-coveted 8,000-square-foot Gargantuan in Opulent Manors, for example. Although the exterior of the Beaumont home appears to be a testament to wealth, the interior tells quite another story. "Our house and car payments take nearly all of our monthly income," confessed June. "We barely have enough left for food, let alone the type of furnishings we need to do justice to a Gargantuan." Indeed, the Beaumonts' meals focus on products requiring the addition of tuna or hamburger for completion. Their furniture consists of a TV set, a waterbed, a card table and several folding chairs which are moved from room to room as needed. Any plans to entertain guests are at the mercy of the luxury furniture rental companies which have sprung up across the country to exploit the yuppie plight. "The demand for rental furniture and our cash flow problem limit our party schedule," Ward said. "And everything has to be returned by midnight. These companies are very strict." Hope hovers on the horizon for all the Van Pattens and Beaumonts of the nation. Habitat for Humanity has announced that it will divert some of its resources from building homes for the poor to constructing residences for America's nouveau riche. Scheduled for the Labor Day weekend is a 72-hour "Furniture Aid" telethon which will accept pledges from anyone who would like to help yuppies furnish their cavernous dwellings. "Please give generously," June begged. "The yuppies of America are depending on you." Behold, the Power of
Coffee! (Armenia, Colombia, June 20, 2020) -- Coffee. It's the cure for what ails you. That includes the common cold, according to the most recent medical study commissioned by coffee growers here in the home stomping grounds of Juan Valdez. Study results indicate that men and women who consume eight or more cups of coffee daily are 86 percent less likely to come down with a case of the sniffles. "Our conclusions are irrefutable," said Sissy Boombah, professional spokesman for the coffee growers. "Our scientists believe that the caffeine contained by coffee, especially a good, strong cup of 100 percent Colombian, makes cold germs too hyperactive to get the job done." Once vilified as the culprit behind an assortment of maladies, including cancer and cardiovascular disease, coffee may turn out to be the world's only true panacea. Exonerated of these charges, coffee has since gleaned a lengthy list of confirmed health benefits. In 1999, male coffee drinkers were found to have a lower incidence of gallstones than those who were java free. Researchers further determined that only coffee containing caffeine stimulated contractions in the gallbladder and lowered the bile cholesterol that can cause gallstones. Decaffeinated coffee, caffeinated tea and caffeinated soda produced no such effects. Additional studies have since revealed numerous other links between coffee consumption and wellbeing. A timeline of major discoveries follows. April 1, 2001 -- Women who drank at least six cups of Celebes Kalossi daily experienced none of the mood swings associated with premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Aug. 3, 2004 -- Teenagers of both sexes who consumed five or more cups of Jamaican Blue Mountain each day had noticeably clearer complexions. Jan. 17, 2006 -- The "heartbreak of psoriasis" ended for those who drank a dozen cups of Ethiopian Yrgacheffe every day. June 23, 2010 -- Heavy users of Sumatra Mandheling endured 50 percent fewer incidents of heat rash. Feb 15, 2015 -- Middle managers who drank two servings of Espresso Prima Scelta immediately before beginning their work day were 73 percent more likely to retain full consciousness throughout a 4-hour corporate planning session. [ Home ] |
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