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NATO Revises Serbian Goal (Belgrade, March 24, 2009) -- Reluctantly facing reality, NATO has revised its Serbian campaign objectives after more than 10 years of warfare. "All we are now asking is that President Slobodan Milosevic cry 'uncle,' " said Gen. Warren Peace, supreme commander of NATO forces in Europe. "Give us that, and the bombing will stop." The original objective of the NATO-Serbian conflict, officially unchanged until now, was to secure peace and a measure of autonomy for the ethnic Albanian majority living in the Kosovo region of Yugoslavia. As the bombing intensified, most "Kosovars" were relocated to refugee camps or killed in the conflict. More Kosovars have since died in NATO attacks and in the camps than at the hands of their ethnic enemies. "The Serbs have proven to be much tougher and resilient than we anticipated," Peace said. "We had originally expected 30 to 60 days of bombing. Now that it's been 10 years, we have been forced to rethink our position." Milosevic is considered unlikely to agree to the new proposal. In a brief videotaped response, the Yugoslav president extended a universally recognized gesture involving a raised digit on his right hand. Milosevic remains subject to arrest under indictments issued in 1999 by the International War Crimes Tribunal. The president is charged with a variety of crimes against humanity, including murder, mayhem and handicapped parking violations. Bombing throughout the conflict has not been continuous, largely due to the United States military frequently running out of cruise missiles and bombs, plus increasingly lengthy Congressional debates over each defense department request for more funds. During bombardment breaks, enterprising Serbs have established a burgeoning export business, selling other European countries what has become Yugoslavia's most abundant resource -- rubble. "How is it the Americans say? 'When life gives to you the lemons, you are making lemonade,' " philosophically observed Dusan Sellitallevic, head of the Serbian Rubble and Gravel Export Syndicate. "America and its allies have given us the rubble, so we are making land fill." Yugoslavia has exported thousands of tons of debris and rock blasted by NATO bombs from its cities and mountains to the Netherlands and other low-lying nations. Many mountainous regions of the former Yugoslavia have been reduced to plateaus by the war. Sellitallevic and other syndicate members hope that plateaus may eventually be further leveled to plains, sustaining their export business and opening the road to increased agricultural activity for Serbs in the future. Arrangements to import top soil from other countries have been made in anticipation of such a development. NATO Airstrikes (Washington, D.C., March 25, 2009) -- Intended targets have been hit in at least half of the more than 1.5 million sorties flown to date in the NATO air war against Yugoslavia, beleaguered military officials maintained here this week. "Despite technological advances, modern air warfare remains an inexact science," said Gen. Warren Peace, supreme commander of NATO forces in Europe. "Although we utilize the most up-to-date intelligence reports and maps available, sometimes you just have to drop your bombs and fire your missiles and hope for the best." The fruits of this approach have been evident since the start of the conflict. In the first month, NATO "targets" included residential areas, a passenger train and a refugee convoy. The death toll mounted during the following month, as allied warplanes struck a civilian bus, the Chinese embassy, a market, a hospital and a Kosovo Liberation Army post. Official apologies were soon flying as fast as the NATO planes which made them necessary. "We knew, going in, that a certain amount of collateral damage was unavoidable," Peace said. "We were really, really embarrassed by that Paris incident in '01." That targeting faux pas occurred Feb. 17, 2001, during a night raid in which NATO fighter planes destroyed the Eiffel Tower. "Intelligence reports identified it as a Serb communications tower," Peace said. "I swear, our maps didn't show the target was in France." Immediately following that raid, NATO headquarters was flooded with freshly printed border maps from anxious European countries. Many of the maps were supplemented by day and night aerial views of any national landmarks which might be, however unlikely, mistaken for Serb installations. The ultimate gaffe, so far, came in nearly a year later, on Feb. 2, 2002. On that fateful date, a significant section of Bulgaria disappeared beneath a NATO mushroom cloud. Subsequent investigation concluded that, in the rush to replenish the USAF dwindling cruise missile supply, a nuclear warhead had inadvertently been left on the business end of a B-52H bomber-fired cruise missile during conversions being performed by Boeing. "Boy, one little thermonuclear boo-boo, and you're branded for life," Peace lamented. "Bygones." Chinese Accuse
Americans (Beijing, May 1, 2000) -- Still steaming over last year's charges of stolen U.S. atomic secrets, the People's Republic of China lashed back this week with a blistering attack on American culinary thievery. A 1,000-plus page report prepared by a select people's committee alleges that American agents infiltrated top-level PRC cooking academies and restaurants on the Chinese mainland over the course of several decades, gleaning secrets for cuisine now served throughout the United States. "The United States has stolen recipe information on China's most advanced entrees," the report states. "The people's committee judges that America's next generation of Cantonese dishes, currently under development, will exploit elements of stolen PRC ingredient information." The Chinese maintain that American thefts of secret data from their top kitchens have enabled the United States to design, develop, and successfully market many entrees sooner than would otherwise have been possible. The stolen preparation secrets have given Americans information for Dim Sum offerings on a par with China's own. The stolen information includes classified design information for an enhanced egg roll which neither China nor any other nation, has yet placed on a restaurant menu. "America has also obtained classified information on the food preparation secrets of our Szechwan, Hunan and Shangdong provinces," the report charges, "as well as data on a highly advanced, experimental version of Moo Goo Gai Pan." The American reaction to the select committee report was one of outrage. The United States emphatically denied that it had ever stolen cooking secrets from anyone. "America is not like the People's Republic of China,'' declared Sissy Boombah, professional spokesman for the American Chinese Restaurant Owners Association. "We have no policy of stealing from other nations. The United States of America has never stolen any culinary secrets from any country, including China.'' MONSTER TRUCKS "We feel that this an idea whose time has come," said Rudy Tutetoot, professional spokesman, on behalf of Ford. "These will be street-legal machines equipped with all the luxury items found in today's finest sport utility vehicles. Option packages available in our Biggerfoot models, for example, will include La-Z-Boy recliners, a home theater and a hot tub." Ford forecasts that the new line will appeal to all types of motorists. SUV owners, Ford believes, are ready to "step up" to bigger and pricier vehicles. Those who have stubbornly stuck with conventional cars for the past decade will make the change to help ensure their survival on streets and highways packed with larger and heavier vehicles aggressively piloted by frustrated homemakers. GM, Chrysler and other major car manufacturers around the world are expected to follow Ford's lead with monster truck lines of their own. CHINESE ACCEPT The Chinese government has taken President Bill Clinton's offer to provide American replacements for the three Chinese journalists killed in the bombing. The Chinese had initially expressed outrage at the callousness of the proposal. They changed their stance when it became clear they were free to choose any three Americans they wished. Packing their bags to begin new lives as Chinese citizens Sept. 1 are Leonardo DiCaprio, Rosie O'Donnell and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. No explanation was offered for the third choice. [ Home ] |
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