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Allies Launch Strike (Redmond, Wash., April 1, 2000) -- The U.S. Justice Department and its 19 state attorney general allies launched a massive pre-dawn strike against the Microsoft Corporation here today. Wave after wave of advanced computer viruses, including Melissa, Madeline and Monica, were directed at Microsoft's extensive Redmond headquarters network structure and at its newer Silicon Valley campus in California. Debuting in the attack was the previously untested in combat "stealth bomber virus." The virus "performed as advertised," according to Travis Stee, justice department strategic offensive director. Cloaked as a common, infinitely forwarded e-mail joke, the stealth bomber virus was designed to be virtually undetectable to anti-virus software. It was developed during the height of the Cold War to strike at the heart of Soviet computer systems. The stealth virus had been converted to an Outlook Express file format to more easily penetrate domestic networks. Early reports from Microsoft indicated that several computers, including some elderly 486-based museum systems, had perished in the attack. A news blackout followed Microsoft's declaration of a state of war and ejection of journalists from the Redmond complex. The strike came nearly two years into the federal antitrust trial straining to prove contentions that Microsoft's share of the world software market constitutes a monopoly and warrants dividing the corporation into smaller segments. With the trial stalled in an apparently endless series of motions, the justice department opted for the attack in an attempt to force Microsoft to accept the federal plan outlined for dismantling the corporation. "We are simply trying to do for the American computer user what we did for the American telephone user when we broke up Ma Bell," explained Nevada Reno, U.S. attorney general. "Instead of having one big, reasonably competent company limiting your product choices, you will have dozens of smaller, fiercely competitive companies telemarketing their questionable products to you at all hours of the day." Reno said that the United States could no longer stand idly by and watch Microsoft's systematic extermination of competitors. She blamed Microsoft for driving Netscape into an alliance with America On Line and the "corporate cleansing" of Netscape employees which followed. "We act," said President Bill Clinton, "to end the conflict, to defuse a powder keg at the heart of the computer industry that has exploded before, just last century, and led to bloody browser wars. Ending this monopoly is a moral imperative, although that depends on what your definition of 'moral' is." In a 13-minute address to the nation, Clinton emphasized that he would not send combat troops into Redmond and force Microsoft to accept a court settlement. Clinton said the action had three objectives: to demonstrate the seriousness of the nation's opposition to monopolistic marketing techniques; to deter Microsoft's Bill Gates from escalating attacks on other software makers; and, if necessary, to damage Microsoft's capacity to write software in the future. "Remember, this approach worked for us, just last year, in Yugoslavia," Clinton reminded Americans. "Sure, every Kosovo Albanian was dead when the smoke finally cleared after 37 consecutive days of bombing, but we made our point." Home Suicide Kits (Seattle, Wash., Nov. 28, 2012) -- Just in time for Christmas, a variety of home suicide kits are being stocked on the shelves of discount department stores, supermarkets and convenience marts across America. "This may be the perfect holiday gift for that-hard-to-shop-for older relative who has seen it all, done it all and really doesn't want to see or do any of it again," said Mort Ician, marketing director for the Medicide Corp. Home suicide kits had been available by prescription until this month, when the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved over-the-counter sales to persons 18 or older. Early sales have been brisk, according to figures supplied by major store chains. "We appeal to the millions of 'babyboomers' out there entering their golden years with an assortment of debilitating ailments," Ician explained. "For those who don't want to see things through to the bitter, painful end, we offer a variety of easy ways to go." Founded 10 years ago by Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the assisted suicide pioneer convicted of second-degree murder in 1999, Medicide manufactures several home suicide kits. These include Jack's Injectomatic, the Peace Patch and the Monoximask. Other companies have since joined the market, but Medicide has consistently led sales by a comfortable margin. Kevorkian, ironically, died earlier this month in a publicity stunt designed to spur Medicide sales. The 84-year-old, terminally ill former pathologist was promoting the Injectomatic at an Ohio department store pharmacy grand opening. Shoppers were shocked but impressed when Kevorkian injected himself, not with the harmless distilled water promised in his demonstration spiel, but with the lethal chemicals actually used in the product, and instantly thudded to the floor. "People who aren't squeamish about needles and want a quick exit usually pick the Injectomatic, a compact version of Dr. Kevorkian's original 'suicide machine,' the Thanatron," Ician said. "For those who have always dreamed of crossing into their next lives while asleep, our Peace Patch is a good choice. Just attach it to your skin before you go to bed at night, and you'll be gone in the morning." The Monoximask is an intermediate route to nirvana for users who prefer to meditate or review their lives as they gradually slip into oblivion. The kit consists of a mask covering nose and mouth attached to a canister containing carbon monoxide. An optional second canister will mix a pleasant aroma with the odorless carbon monoxide for the user. "In addition to the traditional Car Exhaust, we currently offer Pine Forest, Lemon Grove and Hot Popcorn," Ician said. "Other fragrances are coming soon, and we are developing a deluxe model featuring a special touch-controlled dispenser which will allow our customers to alternate scents as they expire." Each kit comes with detailed multilingual operating instructions, a counseling sheet for buyers whose suicidal resolve may not be completely set, and a last will and testament form, which procrastinating users may complete and sign to help get their affairs in order. Study Links Tofu,
Stupidity (San Diego, Calif., March 29, 2002) -- Women who eat tofu while pregnant are far more likely to have seriously stupid offspring than their meat-munching counterparts, according to a national study released here today by the American Institute for Making Ludicrous, Equivocal, Silly Studies. "There is no longer any shame in being dangerously dumb," assured Dr. Amy G. Dala, AIMLESS director. "It's not like you could have done anything to keep your mother away from tofu." The study correlated the tofu consumption of 6,000 pregnant American women between the years 1950 and 2000 with the intelligence quotients of their resultant sons and daughters. The results showed an undeniable inverse relationship between the amount of tofu ingested during their pregnancies and the sharpness of their children's minds. "It appears that tofu bonds directly to prenatal DNA," Dala explained. "Fetal brains and central nervous systems were noticeably impaired." Study participants were divided into three groups of 2,000 after completing a comprehensive survey of their eating habits. Individuals whose diets followed well-balanced meal plans were placed in Group A. The women of Group B were those who gravitated toward fatty and high-cholesterol entrees, including fast food chain offerings, bacon and cheese dishes, and five-alarm chili. Women who surveyed as vegetarians and religiously substituted tofu for meat items in their meals comprised Group C. "We expected our long-term study to reinforce the importance of a healthy lifestyle," Dala said. "We were completely unprepared for the results we got." The average intelligence of children born to Group A women followed the pattern of others born and raised throughout America during the 50-year stretch covered. As adults, these offspring achieved varying academic, financial and social success, producing statistically comparable numbers of Rhodes scholars and technical institute graduates; Silicon Valley CEOs and shoe salesmen; and Oscar-winning actors and adult film stars. The intelligence of children born to Group B women, however, was stratospherically above average. Among the sons and daughters of these women are Albert Hawkins, developer of the universal human anti-virus; Steve Gates, with a current estimated net worth of $347 billion, the wealthiest man in the world; and Jack Wright, whose brilliant comedy writing single-handedly revived Saturday Night Live. "Fat may be bad for your heart, but it certainly seems to be a real boon to your brain," Dala said. The unfortunate children of Group C women, alas, rarely crossed the triple-digit IQ threshold. The study showed that the sons and daughters of these mothers were 13 times more likely than members of the general population to enter corporate management; 27 times more likely to enjoy Warner Brothers Network sitcoms; and 55 times more likely to buy every song released by Cher. Contributions to society made by Group C offspring have included Teletubbies, the Monica Lewinsky Fan Club, Old Navy television commercials and the American Institute for Making Ludicrous, Equivocal, Silly Studies. "On the strength of our study results, we have asked the Surgeon General's office to add a warning label to the packaging of all tofu products sold in the United States," Dala said. As proposed, the label will read: Warning: this product contains tofu, which may seriously inhibit your child's ability to master the alphabet if consumed during pregnancy. Eat beef. It's what's for dinner.
BULLET BAN SOUGHT "The debate over whether guns kill people or people kill people will never be resolved," explained Noah Matme, spokesman for Down with Rounds, the nationwide group pushing for the change, "but the fact that bullets kill people cannot be contested." DR wants to limit ammunition ownership to law enforcement and the military. Civilians could not legally possess live rounds, which they would be required to deliver to authorities for federally-funded compensation. The proposal has been met with less resistance from gun enthusiasts than expected. Collector organizations have warmed to the possibility of being allowed to own more exotic weapons if ammunition ownership is prohibited. Hunters have objected to the proposal, although state and federal natural resource managers have testified that other means of controlling troublesome wildlife populations are available. "Under our proposal, anyone in the country can own as many guns as he or she likes," Matme noted, "but they will have to use them as clubs if they want to kill anyone with them." ONE WORLD, ONE
CAR That corporation is Universal Automotive, formed with the merger of World Cars and Planetary Vehicles. Following a financially-motivated merger pattern which began late last century, World Cars had been cobbled from such former household names as Renault, Nissan, Mercedes Benz, Chrysler, Ford, Mazda, Isuzu and Volvo. Planetary Vehicles had been formed through numerous similar mergers, including those of General Motors, Toyota, Volkswagen, Honda, Hyundai, Saab, Subaru, Rolls-Royce and Mitsubishi. "This final union merely formalizes already established cooperative arrangements between our two corporations," explained Boyd Uweegottchanow, new Universal CEO. "We have been supplying each other with key automotive components for more than a decade." Uweegottchanow pledged that consumers will enjoy the same commitment to quality they have come to expect from both WC and PV. Stock prices for national car repair chain corporations jumped an average of 100 points on the New York Exchange immediately following the merger announcement. WRONG REPLAY "Upon further review," Zee Brastripe, the game's chief official announced to the crowd six minutes into the third quarter, "we have determined that episode 13 of 'Here's Lucy' seemed a lot funnier the first time we watched it." The announcement was greeted by puzzled silence from fans, followed by an immediate suspension of the video replay review, pending investigation. It was not immediately clear whether the situation was the result of a control booth snafu or a deliberate attempt by officials to resist technological challenges to their authority. [ Home ] |
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