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'Merry' Day in
Orbit (Johnson Space Center, Dec. 7, 2005) -- "Houston, we have no problems. Ho, ho, ho." Things were merry and bright for all of the first 15 orbits of the space shuttle Rudolph and its celebrity crew member, Santa Claus. Santa's participation in the historic flight gives him undisputed claim to the title of world's oldest astronaut. Santa is uncertain about his exact age That's not surprising, as records place it between one and two millennia. The ancient astronaut title was previously held by John Glenn, who served aboard the shuttle Discovery at age 77 in 1998. Fellow crew members decked the shuttle bulkheads with boughs of holly in honor of Santa's presence. Their helmets were hung on the heating unit with care, knowing that St. Nicholas was already there. Rudolph's crew of seven was awakened to begin its first full day in space with "Here Comes Santa Claus" piped into the shuttle's cabin by mission control. Houston has already cautioned the crew members, however, about letting their festive attitudes get in the way of mission objectives. Santa, they have been reminded, is a potential paying customer for the commercially-focused NASA, which has been directed by the Walt Disney Company since 1999. Disney is still attempting to dig the space shuttle program out of the red in the wake of the Mir space station shutdown disaster of 2001 (see Space station swan song goes terribly wrong). Santa is evaluating the viability of space shuttles as a supplemental delivery system for his annual Christmas Eve gift run. With the sustained growth of the global children's population, largely through the humanitarian efforts of the ever effervescent Sally Struthers, Santa's one-sleigh operation has been hard pressed to meet the Yuletide demand in a single 24-hour period. "I can't blame those youngsters who have begun to shout and pout about being missed," Santa said from orbit. "It undermines the importance of being naughty or nice, not to mention being really bad PR." Studies have indicated potentially dire long-term effects for boys and girls who have been unnaturally good all year long, yet fail to get their rewards from Santa. Parental control erodes, and children begin stealing small, compensatory items. Some eventually turn to drugs and lives as international terrorists, U.S. postal workers or career politicians. NASA denied that putting Santa on a space shuttle constituted "nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt," as some critics have charged. "Analysis of the effects of prolonged weightlessness on jolly, old elves holds enormous potential benefit for the future of mankind," declared Lt. Col. Buck Gordon, NASA spokesman. "We expect to learn a lot." Gordon has been "flying a desk" for NASA since the Mir mission, which he commanded. Santa coped well with the problems typically associated with the early hours of a shuttle mission--weightless table manners, restroom etiquette and an annoying tendency to bob about the cabin. "Zero gravity is a new experience for me," Santa said. "In all my hundreds of trips over the past millennium or so, I've been strapped into the sleigh, so I more or less stayed put while in flight." Crew members couldn't say whether Santa exhibited the characteristic facial puffiness caused by shifts in bodily fluids generally experienced in the opening hours of space flight. "Our buddy, Kris, is normally a pretty puffy guy," noted Col. Liv "Ears" Longanprosper, mission commander. The mission will conclude Dec. 15, giving Santa time to make his deliveries on schedule.
President Opens Wrestling (Reno, Nev., July 27, 2020) -- President Jesse Ventura opened the 17th annual American Wrestling Governors Federation conference here with a round of congratulations. "You have all come a long way from humble beginnings," the trademark tieless President told conference participants in delivering his keynote address. "You have won the hearts of your constituents. You have earned your positions of leadership and your places in American history. I challenge any scum bucket who says different to a cage match, right here, right now!" The President's invitation drew no takers, but a roar ripped through the crowd in recognition of the pioneering role Ventura played in the federation success story. By leading the independent Minnesota Reform Party to gubernatorial victory in 1998, Ventura tapped a long dormant segment of the American electorate. Previously apathetic "Gen-Xers," as well as professional wrestling fans, flocked to the polls in record numbers to push the straight-talking Ventura ahead of Republican and Democratic career politicians and capture the governorship. The feat amazed political pundits throughout the nation and served notice that one no longer needed to be a former astronaut, actor or pop singer to win elected office. The only prerequisites were a winning wrestling history and a felony-free criminal record. "Jesse certainly inspired me," recalled Jeff Jerrett, two-time World Wrestling Federation intercontinental champion, now serving as Tennessee governor with Lt. Gov. Steve "Stone Cold" Austin, another former WWF grappler. "I think I persuaded the voters that I am a man of action when I put my four-figure leglock on that slimebag Republican candidate at the end of our Nashville debate in 2012." Gov. Ventura kept the momentum rolling by stumping for other wrestlers who ran for governor in 12 states during the years immediately following his initial victory. When six had won office by 2004, Ventura launched what many consider to be his crowning stroke of genius, the Wrestling Governors Grapplefest. The predecessor of the American Wrestling Governors Federation annual conference pitted the governors of each state against each other in a tournament which sent the winner home with an enormous, handsome, engraved silver, rhinestone-studded, flashing, song-playing title belt to proudly display in his or her state capitol rotunda for the ensuing year. Ventura took the title in the first event, although opponents still maintain that the contest was rigged. The Grapplefest was open to governors of all states, regardless of their professional wrestling status. Wisconsin Gov. Tommy Thompson, perhaps convinced of his own invincibility after six consecutive election victories, entered the first tournament. Sent home with a fractured right leg, six cracked ribs and the last-place Andy Kaufman Memorial Trophy, Thompson discovered, the hard way, just how "real" professional wrestling could be. Thompson's lackluster performance ended his political career, as well as further Grapplefest participation by non-wrestling governors. The loss is also credited with the increased viability of wrestlers as gubernatorial candidates throughout the country. Young political hopefuls began looking to the ring as the most promising first rung on the ladder to elective office. Highly competitive and sports-oriented voters clamored for governing wrestlers capable of bringing the coveted Grapplefest championship belt back to their state capitals. They, too, wanted to legitimately wear T-shirts emblazoned with the boastful "My governor can beat up your governor." The numbers at this year's American Wrestling Governors Federation conference attest to the success of wrestling politicians. In attendance were no less than 23 governors. Seven absentees sent their regrets. With other state executive officers, administrative staff and match promoters added to the figures, total conference attendance this year is near 5,000. The highlight of the conference, as always, will be the Grapplefest, scheduled as the Friday finale. In keeping with the dignity of his role as the nation's chief executive, President Ventura will not compete. He will, however, throw the traditional first wrestler out of the ring in opening ceremonies. Chief Inspector Vows (Baghdad, Nov. 15, 2001) -- United Nations inspectors, prepared to continue their quest for Iraq's suspected cache of weapons, returned here last night armed with a new weapon of their own. The U.N. team is now led by an internationally renowned detective on loan from France. "Rest assured, I will leave no rock unturned, no sand dune unsifted, until I have uncovered these Iraqi swine death merchants and the case is solvéd," declared Jacques Clouseau,* la Sûreté chief inspector. No stranger to international derring-do, Clouseau has successfully investigated other criminal acts abroad, including the theft of the famous Pink Panther Diamond in 1964 and again in 1975. The highly decorated master of disguise has thwarted over two dozen assassins and has been declared dead on more than one occasion. "I will begin my investigation by interrogating Saddam, the notorious Hussein," Clouseau said. "Believe me, he will not be so foolish as to attempt pulling the wool over this chief inspector's eyes." U.N. monitors have been chasing suspected banned weapons and parts around Iraq for years, always seeming to be a step or two behind the Iraqi Special Security Organization, Special Republican Guards and intelligence operatives, who outnumber the inspectors by an approximate 10-1 ratio. Whenever inspectors appeared to be getting close, they found themselves thrown out of Iraq until threats of military retaliation from the United States and U.N. allies allowed them reentry to start the search anew. "Ah, the old shell game ploy," Clouseau observed. "This will not succeed with me. I shall be as a savage desert sandstorm, striking anywhere and everywhere they least expect me. I tell you, they cannot long withstand my relentless pursuit." The Iraqis are believed to being moving banned weapons about the country by rail and truck, at times driving truck convoys out the back of a base as U.N. inspectors arrived at the front gate. In addition to long-range missile components, Iraq is believed to be in possession of nerve gas chemicals, botulism toxins and anthrax. "Swine anthrax," Clouseau spat. The U.N. Special Commission overseeing the weapons inspection program expressed its gratitude to France for making its celebrated inspector available for the difficult and perilous task in Iraq. La Sûreté, however, seemed to be in no great hurry for Clouseau's return. "Keep him as long as you like," invited Charles Dreyfus,* serving as chief inspector during Clouseau's absence. "He is an exceptionally courageous police officer who lives for danger. He will serve you well on the front lines of your investigation." *Jacques Clouseau and Charles Dreyfus are characters from the perpetually popular "Pink Panther" series of motion pictures by Blake Edwards [ Home ] |
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