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Space Station Swan Song (New Munster, WI, Jan. 2, 2001) -- Surviving residents of this once picturesque unincorporated hamlet are picking up the pieces -- pieces of the Mir space station, pieces of their homes and pieces of their lives -- following yesterday's tragic ending to the most desperate and perhaps most ill-considered space operation in the history of mankind. "It's terrible, just terrible," sobbed Hans Kloddenhaffer, among a handful of New Munster survivors, "there's nothing left, nothing. What were these people thinking? Why did they kill us? Why? Who will pay for my Holsteins?" The flaming, 30-ton Mir segment slammed to earth with the force of a nuclear bomb just south of Highway 50 in rural Kenosha County shortly after noon Saturday, absolutely ruining the annual St. Alphonsus Knights of Columbus chicken barbecue and car raffle. Rescue personnel from throughout southeastern Wisconsin and National Guard units from three states were still pulling both human and bovine bodies from the debris today. Remains were being taken to a school gymnasium converted into a temporary morgue in nearby Burlington, pending identification by relatives or state agricultural authorities. Kloddenhaffer pointed the finger of blame at RKK Energiya, the impoverished Russian government-run corporation which built and operated Mir. He was also mildly miffed at the Walt Disney Company, the cash-heavy American entertainment conglomerate which stepped in to bankroll the Mir retirement operation after the lights were turned off at the Baikonur Cosmodrome for non-payment of bills in mid-1998. Kloddenhaffer added, however, that he would continue to buy Disney video products. "You never know when they will be pulled from the shelves forever," he explained. A controlled descent of the space station had been slated for summer of 1999, but plans were postponed by the Energiya cash shortage and Disney negotiations. Disney obtained exclusive rights to film the operation for its Touchstone Pictures sequel, Armageddon: Menace from Mir, in exchange for paying Energiya creditors. Final settlement was delayed as Disney haggled over the right to name the new space station "Mickey." That proposal was fiercely resisted by the international consortium backing the replacement space station, particularly France, which demanded that the station be dubbed "Jerry." The disagreement cost New Munster its life. The Russian Space Agency had needed nine months to plot a safe ocean splashdown course for Mir. As negotiations dragged on, a steady series of station problems, including system malfunctions, explosions and a summons to appear before the Neighborhood Architectural Review Committee, led to an irreversible orbit decay. The U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration, a Disney subsidiary for the past 18 months, launched a last-ditch emergency destruction effort not unlike the plot of the original Armageddon. This time, though, the scenario was a little more scientifically accurate. Tipping the scales at a relatively diminutive 130 tons, the station was a wee bit smaller than Texas and considerably more vulnerable to explosive devices. A U.S. space shuttle was to dock with the falling Mir and install a bomb. Detonation was to reduce the station to segments small enough to burn upon entry into the atmosphere. Everything went as planned, with the exception of the unexpected mass of the section that splattered New Munster. "We wanted to catch it and blow it straight to magic kingdom come," quipped Col. Buck Gordon, shuttle mission commander, "but one of the crew members got cranky, it was time to eat and we just couldn't miss a special satellite pay-per-view showing of Mulan. By the time we got back to the cockpit, it was too late. Sorry about that. "We're still heroes, though, aren't we? I mean, it could have been worse." Mammoth Mom Wows World (Seattle, Sept. 7, 2004)--Delivery room personnel trumpeted their shock early this morning when an Oregon woman gave birth to a quadruple set of hairy hybrids. Monica Mammoth, Klamath Falls, has apparently become the first mother of a genetically engineered cross between the prehistoric wooly mammoth and Homo sapiens. Delivered by cesarean section shortly after 2 a.m. in Finnish Medical Center, the newborns, three males and a female, were reported to be healthy and nearly ready to begin foraging this afternoon. "It's genetically impossible," declared Dr. Morokat Sirindhorn, the OB-GYN who made the delivery. "Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian." Through the glass of the hospital nursery, however, four tiny trunks waved in Sirindhorn's direction, in seeming mock salute of his medical consternation. The hospital administration had no official comment on the births, other than to confirm the condition of the infants.The Globe-Guardian has learned, however, that the humanoid calves may be the result of a mix-up at an international biological technology facility in Thailand. According to an inside hospital source, Mammoth's pregnancy had been accomplished through the use of Follistim and in vitro fertilization. Follistim is a drug which stimulates human egg production through the use of genetically-engineered hamster cells. The Thai lab was commissioned to process frozen mammoth sperm recovered earlier this year by scientists in Siberia in a continuing, though inexplicable, effort to retrobreed the extinct pachyderm. Data bases accidentally merged in a computer transfer coupled with understandable name confusion sent the revitalized wooly mammoth sperm to Seattle instead of its intended destination, the Irkutsk Scientific Centre of the Siberian Branch of the Russian Academy of Science. Consequently, the sperm of a 30,000-year-old wooly mammoth bull was added to the petri dish containing Mammoth's ova in Finnish Medical Center. After 18 hours of incubation, four embryos were transferred to Mammoth's uterine cavity. Mammoth, 38, thereafter refused to allow physicians to perform any of the standard procedures normally employed to evaluate the status of her pregnancy, including amniocentesis and ultrasound readings. She and her husband, Merlin, 43, had been attempting to have children for 13 years. She had told relatives that she planned to carry this pregnancy through to term under any circumstances and that she wanted "to be surprised" when the babies were delivered. The Mammoths had some indications, however, that their expected bundles of joy might be out of the ordinary. Mammoth reportedly experienced an inordinate craving for fruits, leafy vegetables and tubers and registered an unusually high weight gain during the course of her 22-month pregnancy. Fast Food Revolutionary Leader (Los Angeles, July 28, 1999) -- A barrage of bullets failed to find its mark this afternoon when a crazed gunman attempted to bring the Gorditas Revolution to an untimely end by assassinating its canine comandante. "Our glorious leader was not injured," Pan Nuestro Esta Sin Carne, Taco Bell spokesman, reassured shocked followers immediately after alert guard dogs had seized the UZI-toting gunman in their slobbering jaws and wrestled him to the ground. Badly shaken by the incident, the charismatic Chihuahua, Dinky, was hustled into an armored limousine and whisked to a nearby veterinary hospital for examination. The attempt came shortly before 1:30 p.m., as the popular pup delivered his latest inspirational address for the cameras. Shouting "Hasta la vista this!" and spewing what some witnesses described as an incoherent hodgepodge of advertising slogans, the would-be assassin rushed from the crowd and began firing wildly at the hotel balcony from which Dinky was making his remarks. Several of the rounds struck the podium, but no one was reported hurt. The gunman has been identified as Russell P. McCloskey, a deeply embittered former burger chain manager who apparently blamed his unemployment on the rise of alternative fast food offerings. Authorities had sought McCloskey for questioning in connection with a series of Taco Bell defacings throughout southern California in the last seven months. "Did somebody say have it your way?" McCloskey gibbered during his interrogation. "Obey the rush. The pause that refreshes feeds your thirst. Everybody loves fruit. Diners wanted." Although McCloskey claims he acted alone in the attempt on Dinky's life, more than a dozen groups have already stepped forward to claim responsibility for the action. These include the Latin American Revolutionary Leaders Anti-Defamation Society, the American Television Viewers for an End to Saturation Advertising, and the Chihuahuas Are Fast Food Faction. "As much as we would like to give credit where credit is due," said Det. Lt. Sal Buntz, heading investigation of the assassination attempt for the Los Angeles Police Department, "we've got a little too much competition to award this one, folks." Taco Bell is not planning, Carne said, to roll over and play dead as a result of the incident. He said the revolutionary advertising campaign will continue well into the next millennium, despite the numerous groups which apparently have no qualms about it ending in the violent demise of Dinky. The publicity generated by the shooting is an outstanding opportunity that Taco Bell would be doggone dumb to miss, he observed. "We make no bones about it. This will add an unanticipated
bonus element of suspense to our ads," Carne said. "Will Dinky live to make
another commercial? Sit up and find out." [ Home ] |
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