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Copyright
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Intern Protection Act By Peter Rather (Washington, D.C. July 16, 2002) -- The hallowed halls of the nation's capital may finally be safe for interns following the unanimous Senate passage this afternoon of the Intern Protection Act. Although the act, better known as the Bill Clinton Bill, runs more than 200 printed pages, the core of the legislation is fairly simple. After President George W. Bush signs the act into law, scheduled at a ceremony early next week, any individual elected or appointed to top level federal office will be forbidden to have any direct contact with interns without the supervision of an agent of the newly created Office of National Intern Guardianship, a division of the U.S. Treasury Department Secret Service. The act includes severe penalties for anyone convicted of violating its provisions. These include immediate removal from office, as well as fines as high as $500,000, five years in federal prison and a public flogging for each incident. The penalties apply regardless of the whether the incident resulting in conviction was consensual. Exceptions will be made for those individuals who might actually enjoy flogging. Not surprisingly, the bill was also unanimously passed without debate last week by the House of Representatives. Apparently fearful of being deluged by messages from outraged constituents as well as becoming the immediate target of an FBI investigation, not one representative or senator questioned the need for the legislation. "This act will go a long way toward protecting our young interns from the advances of Washington's political predators," declared Monica Lewinsky, who spearheaded the effort to bring interns under special federal protection. "No longer will powerful men be able to take advantage of sweet, innocent, young women who look up to them and want nothing more than to learn the inner workings of the United States government." The multi-talented Lewinsky, largely out of the public eye since the infamous Clinton scandal, returned to the national spotlight last fall when she recorded "Mamas, Don't Let Your Daughters Grow Up To Be Interns." A takeoff on the old tune about sons and cowboys, the surprise hit rocketed to the top of the country charts and remained there for 16 consecutive weeks. "I was as amazed as anyone else," Lewinsky said. "I did the song pretty much as a joke, planning to sell it on my web site, but it seemed to strike a chord with a lot of people upset over the Chandra Levy situation with Congressman Gary Condit. What is it about these horny Democrats, anyway? Can't they, like, take a pill or something?" |
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