FutureNews

Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008

Government Seizes Second
Group of Mad Democrats
By Diane Donaldson
National Correspondent

(Little Rock, Ark., Oct. 12, 2004) -- The federal government yesterday seized a second group of individuals who may have Mad Democrat Disease.

Agents from the National Center for Disease Control and Prevention in full environmental suits arrived with heavily armed Arkansas state troopers shortly after 9 a.m. at the state Democratic Party headquarters on West Capitol Avenue here and herded everyone in the building into a waiting cattle truck. The subjects, estimated at 50, were shipped to a research laboratory in Austin, Texas, where they were quarantined to be tested for indications of this mysterious, enraging ailment.

Two days earlier, CDC agents had raided the Florida Democratic Party headquarters in Tallahassee. There, they removed 27 suspected MDD carriers.

"We're sorry that we need to proceed this way"

--Dr. Dyanne Young, CDC director

"We're sorry that we need to proceed this way," apologized Dr. Dyanne Young, CDC director. "We hope, now that this disease has been identified and is being studied, that those who may be suffering from it will come to us voluntarily instead of us going to them and treating them like livestock."

The disease is only beginning to be understood. The first outbreak occurred in Dade County only last month. Scientists strongly suspect that the previously unknown virus behind the disease developed during the long and laborious recounts of the 2000 presidential election in heavily populated and highly confused Florida precincts. This has led researchers to conclude MDD has a four-year incubation period.

"MDD is transmitted from individual to individual through contact with a common object bearing the virus, which is capable of surviving outside the human body for up to two months," Young explained. "We're fairly certain that the infection was initially spread by repeated handling of pregnant ballot chads which may or may not have been cast for Al Gore."

Appear perfectly normal during incubation

Those afflicted by the disease appear perfectly normal during the incubation period, other than displaying mild irritation whenever the word "Bush" pops up in any context. As MDD progresses, however, the symptoms become more and more pronounced.

Young urged possible victims or others close to them contact the nearest Center for Disease Control if any of the following MDD warning signs are observed:

		refusing to refer to President Bush as anything other than "that moron in the White House"
		failing to laugh whenever Bob Dole appears in a Pepsi commercial containing an oblique reference to Viagra
		believing that Democrats are being systematically hunted down and imprisoned by a vast, right-wing, Republican conspiracy being directed from a secret headquarters somewhere in Texas
		braying like a jackass during or just upon waking from a deep sleep
		displaying an intense road rage toward elephants, frequently manifested as attempts to smash into every innocent, unsuspecting pachyderm spotted along a roadway with complete disregard of the relative size of the vehicle they are driving

"Call us immediately"

"Call us immediately," Young said. "Do not attempt to deal with the situation on your own. This is a nasty, progressive disease that puts anyone in the vicinity of a MDD victim, particularly persons who may have once voted a straight GOP ticket, in grave danger."

A recent poll showed that more than three-quarters of the U.S. population are concerned that Mad Democrat Disease could spread to non-Democrats, although no such cases have been reported thus far. The CNN-USA Today-Gallup survey showed that eight of every ten people questioned were either "a little concerned," "somewhat concerned" or "very concerned" that they may contract MDD. Only 20 percent of poll respondents expressed "no concern." Most of them, the pollsters added, had also asked "what's a Democrat?"

Outcome of MDD remains unknown

The outcome of MDD remains unknown. None of those infected by the virus have died. They have only become more insanely angry with each new day of the Bush administration.

Citing an "overpowering need to nip this plague in the bud," Republican political leaders have pushed for legislation would permit "humanitarian destruction" of Democrats who test positive for MDD. Democrats, understandably, have staunchly opposed such a measure.

"The bottom line right now is we just don't know," Young said. "Many of us here believe that the cure may be nothing more complicated than an election victory next month by Hillary Rodham-Clinton. If that happens, the virus may simply mutate and find new compatible hosts. We may be soon looking at a full-blown epidemic of Mad Republicans Disease."

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