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Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008

Tweedledum or Tweedledee?
By E. Pluribus Unum
Political Correspondent

(Washington, D.C., Oct 31, 2000) -- Who will it be? Al or George? George or Al? With the presidential election in its final week, polls showed most Americans are still unable to decide which man they want to manage the country for the next 4 years.

"That's not too surprising," observed Polly Syemajore, one of those expert political commentators who pop up all over the TV dial about this time each election year because most news anchors haven't got a clue about what's happening. "Clearly, neither candidate has been able to establish any issues Americans consider important.

"Plus," Syemajore continued, "the candidates' positions on most of the traditional issues have been so close, that most Americans are unable to discern any real difference. For example, when Mr. Gore came out in favor of goodness and light in early September, Mr. Bush quickly countered by taking a pro-light and goodness stance. This has stymied most voters, many of whom are openly stating they don't plan to bother voting Nov 6."

Syemajore added that another recent survey shows more than 55 percent of American voters believe that both candidates are actually the same man. These suspicions have been reinforced, she said, because both candidates had never been seen in the same place at the same time before the nationally televised debates last week.

"Even then," Syemajore said, "many viewers thought this was accomplished through computer-generated special effects."

The homogenized candidates have also agreed on the following issues:

--Elderly: grandparents are a good thing; lets keep Social Security.

--National Defense: Canada is not a threat; if Iraq invades America, we fight back.

--Partisan Politics: we must agree to disagree and disagree to agree.

--Middle East: peace is nice and should be encouraged.

--Health Care: eat well, stay well.

--Animal Rights: dogs and cats must enjoy equal protection under the law.

--Abortion: we must disagree to agree and agree to disagree.

--Gun Control: shooting holes in people is a bad thing.

--Drug Abuse: just say "no."

--Crime: not a good thing.

--Campaign Contribution Reform: can you repeat the question?

This apathetic situation on the part of the American electorate enraged R.E. Berg, Globe-Guardian publisher, editor and copyboy. Berg had budgeted a huge influx of advertising dollars from both presidential candidates in 11th hour campaigning. If this income failed to materialize as expected, he told members of his fabled staff of hundreds in an emergency meeting, mass sackings could be expected in December, just in time for the holidays.

In an effort to find out what was grinding Americans' beans, as well as stir up a little ad-generating controversy, he dispatched his two star reporters. Diane Donaldson, national correspondent, was sent to the East; yours truly, to the West.

"After all," Berg noted, "everyone knows that nothing between New York City and Los Angeles really counts for anything."

What did we discover? Check our eye-opening reports.

SPECIAL REPORTS

EAST

Big Apple Wants
Dumplings Out
By Diane Donaldson
National Correspondent

(New York, New York, Sept. 29, 2000) -- What's on the minds of the denizens of the town so nice they named it twice? Nothing less than a mass relocation of its entire population of homeless residents, that's what.

"Let's face it, they are no more comfortable seeing us than we are seeing them" declared Deb Uthant, who gave her occupation as independently wealthy clothes horse. "As I understand, there are vast areas of unpopulated federal land somewhere out west. If Gore or Bush expect to get my vote, I want to hear a plan to put these people on reservations. I mean, it worked out really well for the Indians, oh, sorry, I mean Native Americans. Why not the homeless?"

Uthant's sentiments match those of many New Yorkers, including city officials, who have spent much of their time cleansing the Big Apple streets of hookers, porn shops and citizens dressed in rags. Homeless judged to be able-bodied were required to work if they expected to stay in a city shelter.

"I would feel so much better if I could walk down the streets of Manhattan without being assailed by a dozen people looking for handouts," Uthant continued. "Although, I must admit, they do a nice job of keeping the windows of my Mercedes clean at stop lights."

Other initiatives New Yorkers would like to see taken by the man they would vote into the Oval Office include:

--Fashion Law Enactment: Congress would draft a bill prohibiting wearers of clothing purchased at K Mart, Wal-Mart and other discount outlets from brazenly strolling the sidewalks of finer metropolitan areas throughout the nation.

WEST

Looks Lead
Très LA List
By E. Pluribus Unum
Political Correspondent

(Los Angeles, Calif., Sept. 30, 2000) -- If either presidential hopeful wants to score big with the citizens of the Golden State, they need look at only one issue -- government subsidized plastic surgery.

Sure, Californians are concerned about other issues, like smog, earthquakes and freeway firefights. They are realistic enough, however, to know that the federal government can do little about these issues. What they want more than anything else is to look good.

"It's like, you know. Celebrities get all the attention from our finer plastic surgeons, just because they have the money," complained Celia Oulite, Burger King waitress and aspiring film actress. "I mean, look at Cher. I don't think that woman has any of her original equipment."

"You think I can afford to have even a little liposuction done on my thighs once in a while on what I make here? Not likely," she said. "What about it George, Al? I'm not asking for much. A facelift when I need one, maybe a tummy tuck. Want my vote? Make me pretty."

Other critical issues cited less frequently by Los Angeles residents included:

--No more television network program reshuffling: once a time slot has been selected, networks must be legally prevented from ever moving any show to a new day or time.

--An end to annual time zone changes: standard time or daylight saving time; pick one or the other and stick with it; we've got too damn many things with clocks in them to screw around with these changes twice every year.

--Static service appointment times: no more vague "between 8 a.m. and noon" promises; any cable installer, telephone serviceman or appliance repairman who fails to show up at the exact time promised faces arrest, heavy fines and hard time in a federal institute of correction; no exceptions.

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