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Volume XIII
Issue 7
July 2010

Gonzalez Guerillas Victors
By Sam Sawyer
International Correspondent

(Havana, Cuba, June 29, 2019) -- Move over Fidel, it's Elian's turn.

The rebel forces of Elian Gonzalez quashed the last pocket of resistance at dawn here today and set up the first new government Cuba has seen since Fidel Castro pulled the same trick in 1959. The first official acts of the 25-year-old new leader were to dissolve the ruling Council of State and call for a new National Assembly election on July 26.

"The new election will be patterned after the American political system," Gonzalez announced in a speech from the presidential palace immediately after his forces won the day. "I urge my fellow countrymen to run for office under any banner they choose. Our days of a one-party Cuba are over."

Gonzalez stopped short of banishing Cuba's Communist Party, which has held the country in its iron grip since Castro came to power. The rebel leader noted in his address that he expects alternative parties to quickly form and flourish with the end of political restrictions.

"We owe a debt of gratitude to the leaders of our past," Gonzalez said. "Without the vision and leadership of Fidel Castro, Cuba might still be under the imperialist thumb of the United States and the corruption of the Batista legacy. But the time had come for change."

The immense popularity and charismatic appeal of Gonzalez makes his future as president of Cuba virtually assured. He has publicly stated that he would not serve in that office for more than two consecutive four-year terms, again following the U.S. model of democracy.

The Gonzalez coup was largely bloodless, as opposition to the rebel advance was token at best. Government troops were apparently reluctant to fire on the young followers of their nation's most famous boy.

Gonzalez, as most of the world still remembers, was the captivating six-year-old waif who lost his mother in an ill-fated attempt to come to the United States. Fishermen rescued the boy from an inner tube Nov. 25, 1999, off the coast of Florida. He returned to Cuba with his father, Juan Miguel, on June 28, 2000, after a seven-month political struggle between the Cuban government and anti-communist Cuban immigrants in the United States.

Castro himself orchestrated the nationwide Cuban rallies and protests intended to pressure the United States into returning the boy. Gonzalez said that Castro would not be detained or restricted in any way.

"Fidel Castro is a national hero," Gonzalez said, "and I will be forever indebted to him for what he has done for my homeland and for me personally."

Castro, 92, who appeared surprisingly robust despite his age and decades-old rumors of poor health, said that he doesn't see any irony in being deposed by the boy he fought so hard to bring back to Cuba. Castro added that he has no plans to continue in politics.

"I'm retiring from the ruthless dictator business," Castro said. "I'm going to take a little time off, visit some friends and do some traveling. Then, I'll probably settle down here in Havana. Maybe I'll open a little practice. The new Cuba could always use another lawyer."

Elian's Future Foreseen
By Diane Donaldson
National Correspondent

(Miami, Fla., June 30, 2012) -- Elian Gonzalez was just a slip of a boy when he was rescued off American shores in 1999, but many who met him sensed that he was destined for greatness.

"He had a way about him, a presence, I guess, that made me think he was much more than a little boy who had just lost his mommy," recalled Juanita Mendez, who occasionally baby sat for Elian during his seven-month stay here. "He was very brave and so mature for a six-year-old."

Beyond a stoic demeanor, Elian also displayed amazing knacks for leadership and strategy at an early age. Children who played with him before his return to Cuba recalled that his activities usually focused on war games.

"We never could beat Elian in Risk," said Miguel Martinez, who saw Elian almost daily during that time. "I've never known anyone who could calculate the odds like he could. Before we knew it, the world was his and the game was over."

Martinez said that Elian's favorite outdoor pastime was one he called "guerilla gambit." Elian always took the role of rebel leader, he said. Housekeeper Maria Sanchez, who frequently watched Elian while his Miami relatives were off lobbying to keep the boy in the United States, said that she often observed him playing with toy soldiers in his room.

"I noticed that the leader of the enemy forces was always wearing fatigues and had a beard," Sanchez said. "I know now that he wasn't just playing during all those hours, he was planning."

Former President Bill Clinton that he also saw the boy's potential. Allowing his return to Cuba was all part of the master plan, Clinton claimed.

"We knew we would never bring Castro and his Communist regime down from without," Clinton said, "so we sent Elian back to do the job from within."

Mr. Wizard Goes to Washington
By Peter Rather
Washington Bureau Chief

(Washington, D.C., Nov. 5, 2025) -- What sorcery is this? Freshman U.S. Rep. Harold T. Potter will have his chance to show America just what a wizard can accomplish in politics when Congress reconvenes next year.

Backed by the increasingly influential Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Alumni Association, Potter, 37, won office by a comfortable margin yesterday in California's 31st Congressional District. His victory immediately brought cries of dismay from naysaying conservative elements who have long condemned the growing influence of the occult on the youth of America.

"Muggles, all," Potter responded to his critics. "This is a magical moment, and I'll not have anyone spoiling it for me."

With the wave of a willow wand, Potter charmed the press, and all negative questions ceased. Elsewhere among the Muggles, however, unrest remained.

"This is precisely the type of thing we have been warning about for years," declared Vincent Y.K.W. Voldemort, newly appointed director of the American God, Goodness and Gumdrop Preservation Society. "The youth of America have been raised with a concept that goodness may come from sources outside God, including themselves, and that's just not right."

"Just look at the unsavory influence of television on our children in the past few decades," Voldemort continued. "Ever since the debuts of programs like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, we've had a growing number of youngsters believing that vampires, demons and sassy talking cats can be handled with violence or magic, and that's just not right."

Ruby Hagrid, Potter's campaign manager and press secretary, strongly disagreed with that assessment.

"Goodness can come from any number of sources, including fictional magic" Hagrid maintained. "I would think that You Know Who would be more accepting of help in battling evil, especially when it gets young children interested in the vanishing art of reading."

Hagrid announced that Rep. Potter's first official act will be to call for a Congressional investigation into "Goblet of Fire" rumors circulating on Capitol Hill.

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