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Microsoft Demands (Redmond, Wash., May 13, 2001) -- Division of the federal government into smaller, more user-friendly entities is the goal of legal action initiated here today by the Microsoft Corp. Microsoft makes a good case, according to Thomas Penfield Jackson, the same federal district court judge who late last year ordered the breakup of Microsoft into several independent software manufacturing operations. Applying the same set of criteria to the U.S. government as has been applied to the software empire of Bill Gates, Jackson said, indicates that the public interest would be better served by several competitive "Baby Uncle Sams." "The government of the United States of America has, indeed, placed an oppressive thumb on the scale of competitive fortune," Jackson stated, echoing his ruling on Microsoft, "thereby effectively guaranteeing its continued dominance in the relevant market." Microsoft, currently appealing its own case, charges that the U.S. government has repeatedly acted to stymie development of competitors at the state level through such unfair tactics as withholding federal revenue sharing funds whenever states failed to comply with its wishes. The software giant expects states to join in the action against the federal government. Some sources close to the case say that Microsoft wants the government split along the natural, constitutional lines provided by the current executive, legislative and judicial branches. Others are arguing that a better plan would be to completely eliminate the branches and divide the government by cabinet departments. Still others maintain that the government could be condensed into two divisions with two simple responsibilities -- highway maintenance and entertainment. The government has strongly defended its existence and all of it activities as legal. It has promised to appeal any ruling dictating a breakup of its operations. "We have done absolutely nothing wrong," declared President Al Gore. "Microsoft's position amounts to a blanket rule that you're not allowed to dominate." Oldsters
Strike (Omaha, Neb., May 7, 2010) -- The American economy was at a virtual standstill this week, as the nationwide strike by the International Brotherhood of Oldsters entered its eighth day. Hardest hit have been the manufacturing, food service and retail sectors of the economy, which have grown increasingly dependent on the baby boomer generation to flesh out their employee ranks during the last decade. Older Americans re-entered the national labor pool with a vengeance after the Social Security supplementary income cap was lifted in 2000. The newly unretired found no lack of employers eager to hire relatively industrious, stable and literate workers to fill their growing vacancies. Desperate employers offered lucrative bonuses in their efforts to lure former employees out of retirement. Five years ago, these "boomerangs" organized into the powerful IBO, with more than 1,500 locals representing employees in a wide range of industrial and commercial enterprises throughout the country. "We are going to fight these greedy geezers to the bitter end," declared Robert Baron, representing the American Manufacturers Bottom Line Association, the major player on the management side of the collective bargaining negotiations. "We give them jobs, and this is how they repay us? We've dug our trenches, and we are prepared to stay in them for as long as it takes." That may be a long, long time, considering reports of how far apart the two sides remain to date. The IBO is demanding a 20 percent across-the-board wage increase, full medical and dental insurance benefits and annual season passes to Disneyland. The AMBLA has offered a 5 percent wage hike, half insurance premium payments and Christmas fruitcakes. Neither side has made any concessions toward compromise in the two negotiation sessions held so far. "We are going to fight these greedy bloodsuckers to the bitter end," declared Don Trodden, IBO president. "We give them the fruits of our labors, and this how they repay us? We've dug our trenches, and we are prepared to stay in them for as long as it takes." OPAC
Increases (Chicago, Ill., May 1, 2005) -- The Organization of Patty Allocating Chains unanimously voted to a slight increase in patty production here today. The OPAC hike of five percent, which will raise patty export apportionment to franchise operations located in member nations of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, came in response to an OPEC crude oil production increase of five percent approved last week. Reducing the cost of energy, particularly the price of gasoline, has been the goal of OPAC since it formed a little more than six months ago. "Revenge is sweet," declared Sissy Boombah, OPAC spokesman. "Of course, we welcome this first gesture toward a good working relationship with OPEC and pledge that further increases in crude production will result in like patty production increases by us." The OPAC cutback had successfully driven hamburger prices to new highs in targeted nations. The cost of a Whopper in Tehran this week hit the whopping equivalent of 200 U.S. dollars. While driving up prices, the action appeared to have little or no effect on the demand for restaurant chain burgers in the affected countries. Long lines had formed at most restaurant locations. Reports of fights and serious injuries among frustrated patrons had become commonplace. Angry, burgerless, insatiable citizens were putting pressure on OPEC leaders. "Our little production cutback has lent a whole new meaning the to the phrase 'Big Mac attack,' " quipped Boombah. OPAC members were motivated to organize in the face of revenue losses which mounted with each gas price increase. As the price of regular soared to $2 per gallon this February, more and more families were opting for keeping their gas gauges nearer the "full" mark by serving homecooked meals. Alarms began sounding at fast food chain headquarters throughout corporate America. "Much to our horror, families were actually getting together and sharing common, nutritionally balanced meals," Boombah said. "Some families were even becoming reacquainted. Clearly, this was a trend that had to be stopped before it became irreversible and brought an untimely end to the fast food world as we know it." The patty production boost is expected to reduce the average price of burgers served in OPEC countries by 20 U.S. dollars. Because most of the patties now earmarked for future export are still on the hoof, however, prices in the affected nations are unlikely to see appreciable decline until late summer or early fall. |
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