Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008
Copyright
© 1998-2008
The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316
Gore Takes
Prize
in 3-1 Landslide
By E. Pluribus Unum
Political Correspondent
(Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2000) -- President-elect Al Gore captured the Oval Office yesterday in a lopsided victory over Republican George W. Bush.
The win is destined to stand forever in the presidential election record books. For the first time in history, the margin of victory and the total number of votes cast were one and the same. When the final polling placed closed, the vote tally across America stood at three votes for Gore, one for Bush.
"We knew we were looking at a low voter turnout for this one," said a jubilant Gore from his national campaign headquarters. "I based my strategy on that, and it paid off."
Strategy, indeed. The Globe-Guardian has learned that Gore's "strategy" appears to have consisted solely of sending Laura Bush, his opponent's wife, an ornate bouquet of flowers on the day before the election. Poll records in Texas show that the only two votes cast in the state were evenly split between Bush and Gore. The Republican candidate and his wife were the only two electors encountered on election day by frantic exit-poll takers, who apparently didn't think it necessary to ask the Bushs how they voted.
"I knew, from a national survey conducted in March, that women, especially married women, were more likely to vote for me," Gore said. "So, I thought I would capitalize on my appeal to that sector of the electorate."
Gov. Bush, who appeared to be severely stunned by the election outcome, made his concession speech without Mrs. Bush at his side, amid rumors that the Texas first lady had gone into hiding. News reporters converged on the governor's mansion early today following unconfirmed reports that police were quelling a domestic disturbance which had included an exchange of gunfire.
National pollsters, who spent much of the past 12 months assessing election apathy, quickly got to the roots of voter disinterest in the outcome of Campaign 2000. A random survey of 1,345 scientifically selected adults revealed that:*
47 percent said they "just didn't care"
* Total may be more or less than 100 percent due to rounding
'Air Rage' Claims
Still More Victims
By Walter Walters
Interstate Correspondent
(Wheeling, Ill., July 15, 2005) -- "Air Rage" is again being blamed for a fiery mid-air collision which killed the pilots of two small helicopters and others on the ground here this morning.
The death toll in the incident stood at 18, including the pilots, when the fires were finally extinguished and the victims were pulled from the tangled helicopter and automobile wreckage on Highway 83. Another 23 were taken to area hospitals, where 5 remained in critical condition late this afternoon. The other injured were treated and released.
"It was a nightmare," said Monica Morningwhite, who was among motorists narrowly missed by the burning debris. "People were pinned in their cars by the flaming metal. There was so much screaming. It was just horrible, like something from an early Bruce Willis movie, you know?"
Six persons inside four vehicles directly struck by the chopper wreckage apparently died instantly. The others were killed in the chain reaction collision and fires which were triggered by the rain of debris.
In the wake of the 16th mid-air helicopter collision nationwide this year, the Federal Aviation Administration is looking into tightening helicopter pilot requirements. Currently, anyone may qualify to fly a small helicopter after 3 to 6 months of instruction.
"It's a lethal combination," noted Skye Pilot, an investigator with the National Transportation Safety Board, who was on the scene of today's tragedy. "We've got inexperienced pilots in machines cruising at airspeeds well over 100 mph, yet they still have the mentality of arrogant BMW drivers in gridlocked commuter traffic. They don't give each other nearly enough rotor clearance or reaction space. All it takes is one rude hand gesture, and you've got a catastrophe."
Another witness reported that the two helicopters, a two-seat Robinson R22 and a four-seat Robinson R44, seemed to be "jockeying for position" as they flew over his location. Seconds later he said, the two choppers appeared to "bump together," then, explode in flames.
The helicopter commuting trend began about 5 years ago, reflecting the unholy union of burgeoning American wealth and increasingly affordable helicopter technology. A new Robinson R22 with standard equipment can be now be obtained for a mere $125,000; a R44 Raven, $250,000. Refurbished machines are available for even less at any of the used whirlybird dealerships springing up daily along crowded commuter routes throughout the country.
Thousands of small choppers now dot the skies over urban America during rush hour traffic times. Some are rumored to be armed with illegally obtained air-to-air missiles.
"It enraged me to be stuck in traffic in my Mercedes, inching along at the same snail's pace as any low-income fool in a KIA or Hyundai," said Nouveau Riche, CEO and COO of Lettuce Disturb You, a telemarketing firm largely employed by banking institutions. "Anyone who can afford a helicopter would be crazy not to buy one."
The pilots involved in the Wheeling crash were reportedly en route from their estates in Lake Geneva, Wis., to corporate destinations in downtown Chicago.
Taiwanese
Shopping
for New China Pattern
By Dan Jennings
Asian Bureau Chief
(Taipei, Taiwan, April 1, 2001) -- War drums on both sides of the Taiwan Strait may finally stop beating with today's offer from Taiwan to purchase the Chinese mainland.
"It's a handsome offer," declared Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian, "one which I sincerely hope Beijing will give serious consideration. Reunification will at last be achieved, but in a very non-violent, businesslike manner."
Business, in the capitalist sense, has become a key word in both nations. While foreign investment and development in Taiwan has far outdistanced those on the mainland, the Beijing leadership has been moving in a decidedly non-Marxist, pro-McDonald's direction in recent years. The offer from Taipei is seen by many longtime observers as a promising new way to avoid the economic chaos that would accompany war.
"We are, of course, not offering to purchase China all at once," Chen elaborated. "We want to begin by acquiring a few key provinces through a land contract arrangement, eventually holding title to the entire People's Republic. Our acquisition pace should increase as investments begin paying off, and our cash flow increases. We are fairly certain that we will be able to underwrite our offer with venture capital obtained from the United States and other interested western nations."
Chen categorized the offer as a win-win situation for both countries. Mainland China will get a much-needed cash boost for its developing economy. Taiwan will get China, which it has vowed to retake from the time the Nationalists were driven to the island during the Chinese civil war in 1949.
"Who would know better how to run the reunited China than Chinese capitalists?" Chen asked.
The People's Republic had no immediate official reaction to the offer, which led analysts to speculate that the move did not come as a complete surprise to the mainland leadership. Cape of Good Hope, the same official weekly Chinese newspaper which last year had reported plans for a 200,000 fishing boat invasion of Taiwan, just last week advised its readers that the Communist Chinese government would soon hold a spring "going out of business sale."
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