am9807

Volume XIII
Issue 7
July 2010

Weighty Issue
Question: Finally, somebody I can ask this question to: When you lose weight, where does it go - the air? the toilet? what? I figure the Answerman must know. Don't let me down on this one.
Answer: Ah, a question having nothing whatsoever to do with the Globe-Guardian, a splendid question. From your own experience, you should know that weight is never lost, only temporarily suspended. Ever wake up in the morning weighing a pound or so more than you weighed when you went to bed? See? Psychiatrists tell us that an individual under severe pressure to lose weight produces a special hormone called Massoffogen which activates an internal passage, commonly known as the appendix, to another dimension. Body weight is incrementally suspended in that dimension until the individual achieves his or her desired goal. Stress thus alleviated, Massoffogen production stops and the suspended weight returns. Purveyors of diet plans make an excellent living by exploiting this phenomenon.

Staff Status
Q: Does this mean that all your co-workers are in the same condition you are?
A: A nearly-formed question. Yes, all of Answerman's co-workers are in precisely the same condition as Answerman: physically adequate, mentally semi-conscious, morally warped, independently impoverished, healthily skeptical and occasionally bathed.

Prophetic Profits?
Q: Your new time-travel method for getting news stories is amazing. I can't help but think, though, that reporters might be tempted to peek at other information, like winning lottery numbers, stock market changes or upcoming episodes of Melrose Place. Have you taken any precautions to prevent your writers from realizing personal gain through their travels?
A: An insightful question. The Globe-Guardian has every confidence in the integrity of its staff members. To underwrite that confidence, however, each PEEKING™ session will be monitored and logged. Guideline violators will be summarily dismissed, mind-wiped and left on the doorstep of the nearest shelter for the homeless. They know the rules.

Questionable Queries
Q: Why are all of the questions fielded by AnswerMan without the names of those who submitted them? Something to hide, AnswerMan?
A: A highly suspicious question, and rightly so. AnswerMan would like to say that the Globe-Guardian seeks to protect the privacy of its readers. To be honest, most of the questions received by AnswerMan arrive anonymously on his desktop. Personally, AnswerMan suspects QuestionMan.

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