Volume XI
Issue 5
May 2008

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The Globe-Guardian
All Rights Reserved
ISSN: 1525-6316

Mosquito Misinformation
Question: Please tell me what times mosquitoes are most likely to bite you? Secondly, which is the best plug-in device to ward the mosquitoes off?
AnswerMan: A biting pair of questions. According to exhaustive scientific studies conducted during the last 20 years, the times mosquitoes are most likely to bite you are 2:13 a.m. and 10:57 a.m. on weekdays; and 3:27 a.m. and 4:42 p.m. on weekends, when the bugs tend to stay out later partying and like to sack in until well after noon.
    The most effective device to combat these blood-thirsty demons is the Binford Executioner 9000, which packs a three-phase, 440-volt zapper assisted by a jet turbine intake fan. This bad boy will not only prematurely end the lives of any bug in your yard, it will pretty much keep your entire neighborhood insect-free throughout the summer months. Please pay attention, however, to the warning label prominently displayed on the BE 9000 packaging. You will be legally obligated to sound the unit's siren for 60 seconds, then wait five minutes for all within earshot to get any pet or child weighing 40 pounds or less safely indoors before the Executioner is fired up.