Watch This Space
Question: Why did commercial satellite photos of Area 51 fail
to reveal the extraterrestrial presence that every fool in the world knows is out
there?
AnswerMan: An unalienable question. Do you think that these
fiendishly clever invaders could be exposed by something as primitive as
an earthling satellite? Ha! The aliens have, in fact, completely taken over Area
51, morphing into human form and replacing original Air Force personnel, who
have placed in stasis and stacked like cordwood in an refrigerated hangar. Area
51 has become the alien command center, from which they are planning their
conquest of our planet. The aliens are indeed among us. Watch the skies, my
friend, for soon we, ah, I mean they, will be coming to your town.
Lonely Phone
Q: What is the loneliest phone in America since
the National Park Service removed the booth from the Mojave National Preserve?
A: A question that begs to be answered. I'm not certain which phone
currently ranks as the least rung in America, although Maytag has long claimed
that honor for its repairmen. I am reasonably certain that after our new
President has been installed in January, the loneliest phone will become that of
Bill Clinton. I suspect that not even Monica will return his calls.
Exotic Exports
Q: Is India the new feminine beauty capital of the world?
A: An extremely attractive question. India is currently hot on
the high heels of Venezuela and the United States in capturing major
international beauty titles. With five winners produced in the last six years,
India is poised to vault to the top spot. Pageant pundits predict that by the
end of the decade, India's chief export will no longer be handicrafts, but
statuesque, perfectly proportioned goddesses like the reigning Miss Universe,
Lara Dutta. All export considerations aside, imagine what this delightful
development is going to do for tourism, as legions of sightseeing males
worldwide make India their vacation destination.
Coffee to the Rescue, Again
Q:
Can coffee reduce my risk of developing Parkinson's Disease?
A: An alert question. Yes, according to a recently released
30-year study of more than 8,000 Japanese-American men, caffeinated coffee seems
to have the power to prevent this malady. Although the study is not yet
conclusive, it once again demonstrates the amazing potency of this perfect
beverage. You may recall that caffeinated coffee has also been credited with
helping prevent gallstones. I would also like to point out that the
Globe-Guardian's PEEKING™ news staff has previously
reported that the panacean connection
between caffeinated coffee and numerous other common human ailments will
be repeatedly discovered in the next couple of decades. Drink up. That cup of
steaming java you are holding might well contain your immortality.
Cruiser Craziness
Q: I desperately want to buy a PT Cruiser. I'm willing to pay
$10,000 or more over the sticker price, but I simply can't find one. Every
Chrysler dealer I've visited has laughed at
me. One offered to put me on a
waiting list, with an estimated delivery date of 2005 for a 2000 Cruiser. Can
you help?
A: A highly motivating question. Would you be willing to pay
$10,000 over the sticker price for a Neon? Although it may resemble a 1937 Ford
delivery van (and who wouldn't want one of those?) on the outside, on the
inside, the Cruiser is basically a Neon. You might want to wait, because Ford
has taken notice of this retro revival and plans to reintroduce the Thunderbird
with a 1950s look. How long can it be before Ford mass markets an electric-gas
hybrid replication of the Model T for running suburban errands? Of course, it
would probably be available only in black.
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