Jersey
Judgment
Question: Sir, I am quite appalled at the growing number of NFL players
arrested for criminal acts. Isn't professional football supposed to channel aggressive
human behavior into a controlled form of entertainment? What's going wrong here?
AnswerMan: An arresting question. Blame it on the officials. These
zebra-striped bozos just keep the lid on too tight, rarely allowing game fights to
continue until one of the scrappers is down for the count. The NFL should look to the NHL
for pointers. Given a little official leeway for high sticking, hockey players generally
live more docile personal lives than their gridiron counterparts.
Blame Canada?
Q: Why has Canada become such a hotbed of international terrorism?
A: A borderline question. Contrary to what the FBI would have you believe, mad
bombers have not become Canada's chief human export to the United States. This continues
to be comedians. Our neighbor to the north may need to beef up its own border patrols,
allowing fewer nogoodniks with explosive personalities to enter their nation en route to
America. The United States, however, still obsessed with stemming the flow of drugs
(although British Columbian marijuana is now reputed to be really good stuff) and
non-comedians across our southern border, will continue to rely primarily on orange
traffic cones to keep undesirables at bay to the north. Fear not. The U.S. Border Patrol
is rumored to have requisitioned an additional five million cones to fortify its 4,000
miles of Canadian border. These will be painted with fierce animal faces, similar to those
painted on the front of U.S. warplanes during World War II, to further discourage illegal
crossings.
Crash of 2000?
Q: What will happen to all the people who invested so heavily in the stock
market before it took its latest nosedive?
A: A bearish question. Nothing will happen to these people, assuming that they
invested only disposable income in their portfolios. Nobody, of course, was so foolish as
to put their life savings and children's college funds into the market, right? The stock
market is pretty much like psychotic see-saw, only it doesn't follow the laws of physics
quite so closely. When prices go south, investors bail out until stock prices are so low
that the same investors can no longer resist the temptation and jump back in. Assuming
they originally got in at the last low point, they don't lose much real money. Of course,
the market also reacts to just about anything else that pops up in the news. If word
reaches the trading floor that Alan Greenspan is having a bad hair day, for example, you
can count on the Standard and Poor 500 index to dip at least 25 points.
Class Action Apology
Q: I understand that Pope John Paul II recently prayed for forgiveness of all
the transgressions committed by the Roman Catholic Church throughout history. Is this
legit?
A: An indulgent question. This a valid modus operandi, according to the
international panel of theologians who authored the reconciliation plea at the request of
the Vatican. Of course, this opens the door to validating all kinds of normally
inexcusable actions. For instance, we could see a blanket pardon for every super-lame
television commercial ever inflicted upon the American viewing public by Old Navy.
Furthermore, what is to prevent all these unpunished parties from sashaying right out and
committing the same reprehensible acts, like the sponsoring the Crusades or featuring
George and Wheezy Jefferson, all over again, huh?
Heinous Hybrid
Q: I'm torn. I want to beat high fuel pump prices with one of these new
electric-gasoline combo cars, but should I go with the Toyota Prius or the Honda Insight?
A: A motivating question. Maybe your best choice would be to wait. We
understand that General Motors shortly plans to introduce a hybrid Chevrolet Metro which
may prove to be even more economical. Primary power is produced by pedaling. When speeds
exceed 10 mph, an electric motor kicks in. When speeds exceed 20 mph, a lawn mower engine
kicks in. Unfortunately, the Metro tops out at 40 mph. You don't need to be anywhere in a
hurry, do you?
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