License
to Inform?
Question: Somebody on my Wednesday afternoon league bowling team told me
yesterday that a majority of Americans think television news people should be licensed
like doctors. Is that right?
AnswerMan: A question with personality. That's true, but unlikely to happen.
Not only would we be forced to look at less attractive news anchors, but such bona fide
journalists would be unable to cope with most of the puffpiece "news" their
bosses direct them to report. Licensing would probably bring an end to television news
reporting as we know it. Hmmm. Would that be such a bad thing?
Pet Repeaters
Q: My pretty kitty, Litterbox, recently passed on to her
reward. She was with me for 11 years. I
saved one of her whiskers before I had her cremated and placed in an urn in my medicine
cabinet. Is there any chance that I can get my precious Litterbox back through cloning?
A: A copycat question. You just might be in luck, thanks to an internet
start-up concern calling itself Genetic Savings & Clone. Make an appointment with
the good folks there to put your Litterbox's DNA "on ice" and wait. A financial
word of caution, however. You'll need to pony up at least a grand to freeze Litterbox's
genes and pay another $100 per year to store them. When cloning time finally arrives,
expect to fork over $200,000 to be first in line, a mere $20,000 if you can wait another
three years. Say, don't cats come with a more natural, cost-effective replication
procedure called sexual reproduction? Better check into it, before you heed the Price Is
Right advice of Bob Barker.
Connection Disconnection?
Q: What's up with this online isolation survey stuff? Do the 83 hours I spend
on my computer each week somehow make me less human?
A: A cyberspaced out question. The answer to that question depends on how
you're spending all that time. Sorry to make this such a short response, but I just got an
e-mail reminding me that I've got 30 minutes to get to a nephew's birthday party. Good
thing I was online.
Good Health Brewing
Q: Can I really avoid getting sick by swilling lots and lots of Lipton?
A: A tea-sing question. Tea aficionados claim that certain brews, notably green
and black varieties, are imbued with the power to protect them from such maladies as
cancer, arthritis and heart disease. Who knows what ongoing scientific studies will reveal
concerning these claims? We never suspected, until recently, that tea's nefarious cousin,
coffee, can help its drinkers avoid gallstones
Gubernatorial Grapplefest
Q: Do you think Minnesota Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura would agree
to a cage match with Ric "Nature Boy" Flair if Flair is elected governor of
North Carolina?
A: A tip-top-turnbuckle question. First, let me take this rare opportunity to
point out that your Globe-Guardian PEEKING™ reporting
staff projected this very sort of development in its December 1998 FutureNews™ story
"President Opens Wrestling Governors Conference."
Frankly, professional wrestling and politics share so many qualities (vociferous
posturing, false accusations and rapidly changing alliances, to name a few) that we're
amazed the two arenas haven't already permanently bonded. To answer your question, sure,
you can count on it.
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