Hormones from Hell

Volume XIII
Issue 7
July 2010

Hormones from Hell

By M. Hutton
Reality Reporter

You hear it all the time. "Must be that time of the month." "What’s the matter? You got PMS or something?" or "Stay away from her. She must have PMS." Ninety-nine point nine per cent of the time, you’ll hear those words come out of some man’s mouth right before his woman snaps. Did you ever wonder why women have PMS? No. It’s not just to make men’s lives hell. Take a look at the following theory. I dare any one of you come up with a better explanation.

Woman’s creation is described in the Bible in Genesis 2 as follows:

"The Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man."

God had a great concept. He made woman from a part of man and created them as equals. This all worked out well, a part of the divine plan. And then on that fateful day in the Garden of Eden, Eve listened to the serpent and took a bite of that apple. It was that dismal day that all semblance of equality stopped. The serpent, better known as Satan, had Eve right where he wanted her. It was then that Satan decided to create PMS. It’s hard to believe that that one little bite of the apple could cause such suffering and anguish for womankind for all eternity.

As Satan began his creation he though to himself, "Where should I start?" God created the universe, man, animals and the heavens in six days. I should be able create Woman’s demise in less. So he analyzed Woman in an effort to discover where to cast his first stone. "Ah," he thought, "God created the oceans. I will create a way for Woman to retain them." So he placed in Woman a hormone that would allow her to hold the equivalent of each of the five Great Lakes. And…he spread the retention geographically around Woman’s body so she should not only suffer in one area of her body. "No," Satan reflected, "I will wreak havoc with Woman’s entire body." Satan looked at what he had created, and it was good.

Satan was pleased with what he had accomplished on his first day. What he needed now was an infliction that would compare with the majestic greatness that God created on his second day. He knew that he had done well with retention and though he would elaborate on this sensation. So on the second day, Satan created the bloat. Satan filled woman with gasses and air. In this instance, he though it would be best to centralize the feeling in one area. So Satan gathered up all his gasses and air and sent them to swell in woman’s lower abdomen. Gloating with pride at his handiwork, Satan knew that Woman would be unable to fit two fig leaves around her with this distention. On these days, Woman would surely need at least three. She would not leave the forest until she deflated for her dignity and self-esteem would be nonexistent. And Satan decided that this also was good.

On the third day, Satan created cravings. No longer would Woman be satisfied with fruit, fish and fowl. Woman would now demand chocolate. He made the craving so strong that Woman would climb Mt. Sinai or swim the Sea of Galilee to satisfy her need for it. She would lie, cheat and steal just for one small taste. And Satan smiled upon Her for he knew that this chocolate would truly become indispensable to woman. This was truly good.

And there was, of course, the whine. Satan devoted his fourth day of creation to this. It would start simple enough as a low whimpering in Woman’s throat and grow to a piercing, high-pitched outcry that would shatter Man’s eardrums with its intensity. Man would run to the depths of the forest for sanctuary for it would be his only escape. Satan felt rather smug with this creation for he knew that it would not only affect Woman, but it would also be the beginning of the end for Man.

Satan was beginning to feel the pressure of time. If he was going to complete his creation in his chosen time frame, he would have to hurry. He had wanted to create something more awesome and powerful than God’s simple worldly creations. He wanted his conception to be the one heralded as the creation of all time. So Satan decided to spend his last days creating the mood swing. Now he knew that Woman was already feeling irritable, achy, bloated and tense from his prior creations, but this was not enough for him. He wanted Woman to be irrational, illogical, emotional, unreasonable and completely unsound. He would give her highs and lows that went beyond anything imaginable. She would cry at the drop of a fig. She would laugh hysterically at all of Man’s inadequacies. She would want and expect all of Man’s affections. She would be suspicious of any of Man’s intentions. She would be offended if Man would dare to presume his marital rights. She would be hurt if Man did not find her desirable. She would be compassionate; she would be a shrew. She would, in other words, become schizophrenic. Satan knew that although he spent his last days creating the mood swing, it was well worth the time and effort. It was the perfect finishing touch.

And Satan chuckled with delight for he knew that he had bested God at his own game. He had created something that was more dangerous, more powerful and more evil than God could have ever imagined. Yes, Satan thought to himself, this is even bigger than God’s universe.

Now God had been sitting back and observing Satan at work. He was well aware of Satan’s dirty deeds and pondered how far He should let Satan go. Yet, wasn’t it Woman who took the apple and lured Man into sharing it with her? He couldn’t let Woman off this easily. What kind of example would He be setting? Being a kind and compassionate God, he took into consideration that Eve had, after all, eaten only one apple, not an entire orchard. He reflected upon Woman’s lot in life and made one final decision. He decided that Satan’s creation should serve as a lesson to Woman. He determined that neither Woman nor Man would suffer for all eternity from Satan’s malady. No, God decided, he only intended to give Man and Woman a warning. So instead of inflicting this hellacious way of life on Woman and Man each day for their entire life, he instead gave them a monthly reminder of their weaknesses. He gave the PMS period a week out of each month and knew that this was good.

[ Home ] [ Really Real ]